Untitled
by Unbridled.mind
Summary: A definitive romantic drama which chronicles the relationship of Nicole and Antonio during a case wherein family, the past and devastation coincide with obvious effects on who they are, were and thought they knew. SPRUCED UP, IMPROVED BUT UNCHANGED.
1. The sweetest taboo

Nicole knew that fraternizing was forbidden in the office. Although the staff spent 17 hours in close proximity, daily; sleeping with a co-worker was strictly against the protocol. Somehow she couldn't deign to care. Her traumatic childhood and tumultuous career had given her enough emotional baggage and physical pain that she saw this affair as some sort of recompense. She deserved Antonio. And in her mind he almost deserved her. She repeatedly told herself to never give a man more that he gave in return; to make him love you more, and want you more. That was her code of ethics or mode of operation rather. But above all; it was a defence mechanism which left no room for her to be hurt.

Those years in Phoenix, Arizona where they tasted what it meant to be in love, truly, for the first time. She had never known anything better. In the back of her mind, she wondered if he had. Reminding herself of his divorce she remembered that he couldn't have. Could he? He described a suspect as "hot" more than once, and she was very familiar with his sexual innuendo in the office. It was discreet yet detectable. Sometimes standing next to him was enough for her to feel his warmth and reminisce…No wonder why she had been feeling more violent than usual. The punching dummy felt it as well. With every strike, punch, kick and impact; she was letting out her sexual frustration.

As tough as old boots, she was still a woman; as well as an agent. It seemed that Antonio was the only man who understood that. She thought back to when she nearly shot him in Phoenix while undercover as a gang member. The Untouchables, they called themselves. They were holding the daughter of a pharmacist hostage; a street pharmacist. "Dr." Warren Hutt was a drug baron who worked at a medicinal distribution company. He conspired with the powers that _were_ to import crack into the country under the guise of a "trial cure for blood pressure." He had employed the gang to deliver the "cure" across town and gave them a measly 3 of the profit. When they got wind of his fortune, Nicole found herself in the thick of it all. She used her knowledge of guns and other street weaponry to become one of them. By the time the FBI busted in, Nicole was face to face with the love of her life and had to shoot him. Antonio took two bullets in the vest and Nicole was "arrested."

Their Director put a 7 year sentence of Nicole's record (easily accessible to the gang's hacker.) The little girl saw her father for the last time, in handcuffs. He and the gang are currently serving twenty to life. Nicole got a promotion. Antonio got a raw deal. As they rode out of town, Nicole felt the weight of guilt descend upon her. She knew that she did her duty, but she couldn't rebuke the responsibility. She sat in the back of the police car consumed by what she had done. Antonio refused to see her at the hospital and Nicole was devastated.

One week later they were reunited and it didn't feel so good. There was a tense silence for the hour-long drive they took together. Every time Nicole tried to muster up an explanation; she failed. There were no worthy words to be found. She blamed herself for everything wrong in his life; her emotions were reminiscent of those of her childhood. She felt out of place; the problem child who caused everyone else's heartache; the one who deserved what she got. Antonio felt Nicole slipping away as though they were only connected by space. He knew that it wasn't her fault. His pain was physical but he knew that hers wouldn't go away. He broke the silence.

"I forgive you Nicole." His words were simplistic; he thought it would be better that way. They didn't need words to add more complication.

"You forgive me?" Nicole said in a tone Antonio couldn't comprehend. Was it an indictment? Was she accepting? Was she grateful?

"You conceited bastard!" Guess not, Antonio thought.

"What makes you think I need your forgiveness? My God, Antonio! Have you come to grant me peace? Your Almighty forgiveness will take all of this away. I can't believe you. Pull over."

Antonio abruptly pulled over on a deserted cliffside. Nicole opened the door.

"Where are you going?" Antonio called as she walked out of the car. He rolled down her window.

"Somewhere. Anywhere."

Antonio knew that Nicole was adamant at times and this was one of them. There was no way to coax her back inside. She was leaning on the car smoking a cigarette. He gave her a lighter.

"Thanks." Nicole said as she lit up.

"I'm trying to quit," Antonio said in hopes of making light conversation. Nicole gave him one of her, "Don't fuck with me" looks as an answer.

"Fine, give me one." Nicole obliged in silence.

After ten minutes and six silent cigarettes between them, Nicole broke the ice.

"I shouldn't have called you a bastard. Conceited, yes. But _that_ was unnecessary."

"You've called me worse."

"Don't remind me. Why do I do this to you?"

"Do what? Shoot me? You had to, to show your loyalty. I understand."

"You do?"

"Nicole, I get it."

"Well, can I see the damage?"

Antonio unbuttoned his jacket and shirt showing her the blue and purple bruise that took over his right peck.

"Damn! I'm a good shot."

"Thanks, Nicole."

"I mean, I aimed for your right side. Not for your heart."

"I noticed. So did the nurse who checked me out. I mean over."

Nicole looked to him with slight jealousy. He could feel her personality coming back; as though the person inside was being poured back into the vessel. Giving her life and warmth. He soon forgot the cold reception she gave him earlier. Nicole felt less tense, her shoulders relaxed and she felt less burdened. She remembered how she could forget her guilt by looking in his eyes. And how he didn't hold things against her. Even when she held them against herself.

"The nurse? They should have given you some old, sagging, spotty woman who sang hymns during your check up."

"No, instead they gave me a twenty-year-old candy striper with the softest hands."

Nicole stepped closer. She was leaning against him and he had his back to the car.

"How soft?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

Nicole kissed him, trying not to lean so close that his bruise hurt. Antonio put his hands around her waist and she felt them sliding downwards. She leaned back.

"Did the nurse say anything?"

"What about?"

"Sex. Is it forbidden? Until you get better, that is."

"No, why?"

"When I fought that crooked D.I. and I got that bruise on my thigh, I couldn't until it was healed. So maybe it's better if we don't."

Nicole opened the car door and got back inside. Antonio was amazed that the woman who shot him no sooner than one week ago, had cheated him out of sex and made him love her for it.

"To hell with the bruise." He said sitting in the driver's seat. "I want you Nicole."

"I know."

Nicole could feel the warmth of his words on her neck as he kissed her. She ignored where they were; in her mind his car was a king size bed and the cliff was the presidential suite. His kiss travelled down her body from her lips to her chest to her stomach. She loved her some him. His touch played with her nerves. She knew where to kiss his collarbone and how to hold him in a way that spoke how she felt. Before she knew it, she had her legs wrapped around him. This wasn't sex. This wasn't some rudimentary or mechanical act; this was communication. This was the prelude. This was foreplay. Nicole wouldn't reach for his buckle without a condom in sight. Reading her mind; Antonio pulled out a Trojan from his pocket. She kissed him with gratitude because she didn't want anything to stop them from having each other.

She felt him inside her and loved it. She had missed him and was telling him how she felt. Her body gave the explanation. The morning after, he woke up with her head on his chest. He kissed her forehead and knew that they were back together; for real this time.

As Nicole stood in the full length mirror, admiring her curvaceous body made for lingerie, she couldn't deny that history was repeating itself. Their glances, suggestions and other behavioural hints echoed their want for each other. She contemplated which dress would drive him insane but opted for a trench coat instead. She'd never had a man say no to her before and tonight or this morning rather, would be no exception. Sometimes she would hear the voice of reason, Pollock to be exact. But that didn't serve as a deterrent. She was a grown woman who knew what she wanted and the manual wouldn't dictate that. At other times, she felt as though the secrecy was the wall that stopped her and Jess from being closer. Did she trust her? Yes. But since revealing the past proved to be most difficult, Nicole couldn't figure out where to start about informing Jess of the present. She put her worries out of her mind for long enough to drive to Antonio's place with a bottle of wine in hand.

"Nicole?" He asked as he opened his front door. The beautiful woman on the other side was enough to wake him up; despite it being 3a.m.

"Aren't you happy to see me?" She asked as he let her inside.

"Very." Antonio slammed the front door shut and his hands gripped her body.

"Ooh, I guess so." Antonio was kissing her neck, her spot but she stopped him.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I have wine." Antonio's relaxed laughter showed his understanding on Nicole's games. He led her to the kitchen by the hand and lifted her onto the counter.

"Was that necessary?" She asked, wearing a girlish smile. Antonio ran his hand up her thigh and Nicole took off the trench coat.

"Damn." That was enough for Nicole. Feeling his hot breath between her breasts was enough. Kissing him passionately was enough. Sliding her hands down his back was enough. Making love to him was more than enough.

He kissed her intimately in the kitchen. She reciprocated in his laundry room. She straddled him on his leather chair. He rode her in his bed. Together they didn't have to hold back; they were open and honest, both getting what they desired and giving in return. It didn't feel like the old days; it was better. Nicole was everything she wanted to be and Antonio had matured like a fine wine. That thing he did with his tongue still drove her crazy. He could hear his name in his ears as she called for him.

They laid in a comfortable, sweaty, almost breathless sleep. Antonio dreamt of Nicole carrying his baby and his ex-wife coming to kill her for it. Nicole dreamt of being fired by Pollock and becoming a Mary Kay saleswoman to survive. Nothing unusual there. The alarm clock rang; screaming and shaking. Antonio leapt out of bed and Nicole cursed him for it.

"What the f…?"

"Nicole; it's time for work. It's 6a.m."

"We start at 9, Antonio." Nicole mumbled, half asleep.

"I have forensics to do, as well as the Gothman file."

"When don't you? The Gotham file can wait."

"Gothman. And you know how I…"

"…am about work." She interrupted, "Nothing's changed about that Antonio."

"Good, so why don't you join me for a shower? There's room for two."

"Sounds good but no. I'm tired; we just finished an hour ago."

"Nic," Antonio said with his hand on her face, angelic at this time of morning.

Nicole sat up, holding the sheet to her bare chest.

"You're serious about that shower, huh?"

"We used to share a shower in Phoenix, what's the difference?"

"We used to drink wine out of cans."

Antonio's coercion worked. He held Nicole's hands above her head while he caressed her body, cupping her breasts, holding every curve. Nicole was awakened by his touch and initiated steamy shower sex like they were back in Phoenix.

"Give me a reason to go to work Antonio." Nicole said he rocked her slowly, touching all five senses.

"Forensics." He replied flippantly; giving her body his attention. She laughed lightly.

"Why does it have to end?"

"Pollock will have our asses."

"True. But why can't we do this more often?"

"Apparently, there's only room for one at your apartment."

"I like my privacy Antonio."

"And I like my solitude. Problem solved."

"I was just saying; can't we find more time for us?"

"Nic, if I could; I would give all my time to you."

Nicole looked at him and laughed.

"What's funny?" Antonio asked, pissed off that another woman would make jest of his honesty. Nicole kisses him.

"Nothing. I guess if I could; I'd give you…a key to my apartment."

Looking into his eyes; he understood the significance of her offer. She would invite him into her life and space despite her past. He knew that she loved him; and he couldn't ask for more.


	2. All AmERICAn

His familial frustrations were dormant and naturally, they spewed out as violently as an eruption on any Agent who disrupted his operation. Standing in front of a department of unflickering eyes; he felt powerful. He was in control of these souls who gave him their undivided attention. Julie wouldn't even give him the time of day anymore. Perhaps that's why he verbally assaulted Nicole and Antonio when they unsuccessfully snuck into the morning meeting, late.

"Ahh, Agents Scott and Cortez have finally learned to function in our time zone." He remarked as he checked his diamond encrusted Rolex. "Arriving right between Half-past _warning_ and _dismissal _o'clock. What truly perplexes me is your blatancy; you crawl in here with an unaffected air of calm not even _pretending_ to give a damn about your job."

"Sir, tardiness isn't a sign of not caring." Nicole answered, not succumbing to his personal affront.

"No, Agent; it's a sign of not caring enough. If you could crawl yourselves away from the hotbed of l…"

"I saw him!" Jess blurted out, in an attempt to save her friends from further embarrassment.

"What'd you see?" Nicole, Antonio and Pollock said in unison.

"I…uhh…sorry guys I lost it." Jess replied in her carefree manner. She knew that relations between her Director and partners often rose to boiling point and it was her duty to restore some cool sanity, temporarily at least.

"What do we have?" Nicole asked, shifting the attention and returning the favour.

"A double homicide, Agent." Pollock replied, with hostility. "At precisely 3.03a.m. Two DC officers found the bodies of Mr Dick and Mrs Jane Jones. They had arrived responding to several neighbour complaints about the noise."

"The suburbs, sir?" Nicole interrupted.

"The Scottsdale suburb of Northern DC; beautiful landscaping, perfectly mowed lawns…"

"…and sinister inhabitants with worse intentions?"

"Possibly."

"Well, I don't meant to sound disinterested sir; but they're dead."

"Their daughter's not. Go find her." Pollock instructed.

"Can you believe him? _Go find her_, that's not a briefing." Nicole complained as she walked through the parking lot with Jess.

Jess interjected, "You would have known if you showed up on time. Erica Rose, 15, model student with a squeaky clean record. The police couldn't find her at the house; nor with their next of kin. No weapon was found although it's certain that they were both killed by bullets to the chest with a 9mm Glock."

"If she heard the shooting; maybe she was scared and ran," Jess suggested.

"Where? She couldn't have run through the front door without tripping over the bodies. Her bedroom's the attic. That's a 30 feet fall."

"Maybe she wasn't there, she must have friends. I say, let's question the neighbours first. When it comes to the 'burbs, something sinister is always lurking in the shadows."

The Scottdale suburb was clean and uniform almost to a point of insanity. Each home was sculptured to perfection and echoed conformity. Each family was well-groomed and polite; normal. A bit too normal. Jess and Nicole split up to investigate.

"Last night you called about a disturbance at 1612, the Jones residence." Jess said to Mrs. Marquez, while sitting in her kitchen.

"Yes, there was noise coming from the house. At first I thought it was just loud music from a family gathering, so I stopped by to ask."

"Do they always throw loud parties?" Jess asked.

"No, they seldom party at all. I thought it was a special occasion. See; the Jones family are easily the best behaved in the neighbourhood. I found it strange so I stopped by."

"What did you see?"

"Nothing. As I got closer, I heard their voices."

"Whose?"

"I guess both of them. I walked away because I thought they were…you know. But the music didn't go down so after an hour and I called the police."

"What can you tell me about the Jones'?"

"Well, they are a model family. All American. Dick worked at the City Bank as a Consultant, played golf with my husband every Thursday, church on Sunday. Jane was a housewife who volunteered at the church. And Erica, she was their pride and joy."

"What about their neighbour relations?"

"They were very hospitable and set trends. Everyone always tried to…"

"Keep up with the Joneses?"

"Exactly. That's why it hurts so much to see such a thing happen to them. They've done nothing wrong."

Nicole was pacing around Erica's pristine bedroom. The lavender and white linen on her bed looked untouched with neither creases nor folds. Nicole shuddered at the insurmountable level of neatness. "This can't be real." She thought. Nicole ran her gloved finger over the desk to find no dust. That was the last straw. Nicole tore away at the room. First throwing the cushions on the floor, then knocking over the chair. She took off her jacket and flipped the mattress, finding a pink diary with hearts on it.

"July 4th 2005; I sang the National Anthem at the Community hall today. I've never been filled with so much American pride. To think all those people died for me to have the freedoms I possess. Thank you Lord for this great land."

"May 12th 2005; Garth passed me a note in class today. We ate lunch together. He has braces. It was so funny to see the peanut, butter and jelly sandwich get stuck between his teeth. As we watched the predation film in Biology, he held my hand."

"February 28th 2005; it's Gracie's birthday today. We went for a pizza after bowling. We met Joey and Marcus from school at the arcade. We played Ice Hockey; we won."

Nicole held back the urge to be sick and called Antonio.

"Scott? What's the latest?"

"I found her _diary_. Only it's not. It's too perfect."

"Maybe she's just normal and didn't have much to write about." Antonio said flippantly as Nicole went through her closet.

"No teenage girl is _that_ normal. It's a fake. A default diary so that if someone finds it; they'll think that she's well adjusted and there's nothing to worry about. Wait a minute."

Nicole found a loose board under a shoebox. She threw the diary inside which was caught by a rat trap.

"What is it? Antonio asked with impatience.

Nicole pulled up the real diary. It was covered in snippets from old newspapers and the pages were coffee coloured. The handwriting was not straight and uniform like the other.

"I knew it. There's more to this girl than meets the eye. There are numbers, pictures and even passwords. Like the password to her laptop. I'm bringing it in."

"I'm doing the autopsy so bring it to the forensics lab."

"Why?"

"I'm here."

"Then I'll be in the office."

Nicole smiled as she hung up.

Jess returned to the office after hearing 2 hours and 45 minutes of complimentary praise. Nicole handed her a cup of coffee.

"What'd you find?" Jess asked, between sips.

Nicole scrolled through the open files.

"A bogus diary and a bona fide one. Using the passwords I got into her diary; she writes a blog and posts in online under an alias. She stores the necessary information in the diary; hidden under a rat trap but how she feels is online."

"So everything everyone said was a waste of time."

"Not necessarily. We know that Erica is a stellar actress, no doubt inherited from her parents. They're all living a lie."

"Mrs. Marquez said that she heard screaming at around 1.30. Assuming it was sex, she left. The other neighbours could only hear the music. How did she know then?"

"She had her ear pressed to the door." Pollock interrupted with impatience. Sonia Marquez is a gossip and a nosy Parker. You can't sneeze without her noticing. I would have expected you to bleed her dry of information instead of having idle chit-chat about the Jones' awning and brand new lawnmower. I need a vision – and quick."

"Sir you know that it doesn't work like that. I need…"

"…time and feelings, well Agent I don't have either. I need a vision. I need to find her and I need it now. Agent Scott, please tell me that I pay you six figures for something other than your collection of Manolo Blahniks."

"She's a mastermind, sir. She knows that she lives in pretence but does it so well that she has manipulated everyone she's come across. Jess' information is convoluted but correct. If you turn it on its head you see that Jane is a philandering sex addict instead of the dutiful housewife. Dick is a condescending, abusive husband with a power complex. And Erica is a frantic, deeply depressed young lady who's hiding from everything that's true in her life. Whatever that is. They have conspired to make everyone believe that they're the ideal, All-American family."

"I need suspects, Scott. Mastriani, give me a vision in the next 10 minutes."

"Well, all their neighbours envied them. And their colleagues. So technically…"

"…the suspect count is high."

"I think we should ignore those people sir." Jess commented. "This family hides beneath a façade and these people buy into it. I think that…"

Jess felt the intense shot of pain that ran in her head when a vision was coming on. She stepped back to take a breath. She looked down. She was sitting in an Oak Tree overlooking the Jones' house. She saw into a bedroom. The walls and linen were pink with Barbie décor. A little girl was playing in a plastic, child-sized playhouse. She was blonde with blue eyes and was wearing a red dress with blues shoes and white ribbons in her hair. A buzzer went off. The little girl opened her play cooker and pulled out fresh cookies. She inhaled the sweet smell of freshly baked goods and giggled. She looked straight at Jess and held the cookies closer to her chest. "Mine." She said to Jess. "Mine." The little girl walked closer to the window, still holding the cookies. Jess walked towards the window.

"Who are you?" Jess asked as the little girl opened the window.

"Mine." The little girl replied. She held the cookies out to Jess. The cookies were shaped like clouds. Jess burned her hand when she touched the cookie tray. The clouds grew legs and the little girl dropped the tray. She ran from the room but Jess couldn't follow her. The door wouldn't open even when she banged on it. Jess tried to open the play cooker but it disappeared when she touched the handle. The playhouse changed from playful yellow and green plastic to a colourless ice. The edges became sharper and the roundness turned to icicles. The light died down and the room was in darkness expect for a ray of light from the window that shone on the Jess ran her fingers across the edge and cut herself on an icicle. Drops of water and blood fell to the floor. The door swung open and Jess heard a male voice.

"What are you doing on my property?" He asked with authority and irritation. Before Jess could reply, a bullet flew from a gun into her head. Everything went white.

"Good, very good. Pressure does induce visions." Pollock said with pride.

"What's on at the movies?" Nicole asked.

"A little girl, Erica, was dressed in patriotic colours. She was playing house, with a Little Susie Homemaker playhouse and cooker. There were cookies shaped like clouds that turned into sheep. I got burned. The house went icy. She ran away. A man came in and shot me."

"That's one cryptic message I have no interest in deciphering. Partner up and call me when you find the girl." Pollock walked away with total disinterest.

"Okay. That was strange." Jess told Nicole.

"So every time you got closer to house play stuff, you got burned?"

"Just the cookie tray. The cooker and playhouse disappeared."

"The truth hurts, Jess. You got burned. I was thinking about the playhouse when Pollock was talking. If it disappeared; then maybe it wasn't real to begin with. It was an illusion. Like the Jones' family. You were right about the neighbours."

"We need to get closer to the family not the friends."

"Exactly. Speaking of which; let's see the bodies."

"Come off it Nicole. I know that Antonio's there." Jess said, slightly peeved that Nicole was wasting precious time on her boyfriend. Nicole looked at her friend with innocence.

"Look Nic, Pollock is barely tolerating your relationship. There's no point in further pissing him off by being unfocused at work." Nicole was taken aback at Jess' allegation but respected it.

"Fine. When I went through her laptop I found the names of her friends. Their cyber-pseudonyms. Teenage angst personified. There's: S.O.B., Iceman…"

"How about _Wasteofmytime_?" Pollock asked with blatant sarcasm. "Come on, Agent Scott. Is that the best you've got? You disappoint me. Stop playing house in my office!"

"Sir,"

"Agent. There's a 15-year-old girl who may or may not have witnessed the murders of her parents and may or may not have been kidnapped by some maniac who may or may not have committed double homicide this very morning. I'm tired of these maybes, Agent. I hate endless possibilities and I _despise_ inconsistency. Get it together and find that girl." Pollock left the office slamming the door.

"Nic,"

"No. He's right." Nicole put on her jacket without saying a word.

"Nicole, where are you going?"

"You mean we. I'm back Jess. From what I read; she confides in two of them the most. One is a boyfriend; the other, a girlfriend." Nicole picked up the laptop, walking and talking in a fast pace to the car.

"Antonio can find the identities of _los otros amigos_. He'll hack into the system and find their server, dial tone, number, area code and address. Apparently it's a game on passwords and binary codes."

"Nic,"

"What? We spend too much time together?"

Jess replied with a conspicuous facial expression. "What have you got?" Jess asked, hoping her friend would come through.

"After ignoring the surface B.S., Erica kept mentioning the house being on fire. A metaphor for their household."

"And a literal meaning; in my vision the house was hot them turned to ice. And then a biblical reference; putting out the fire in your home."

"So we've got dysfunction, nothing strange there."

"The girl,"

"Erica?"

"In my vision, she kept saying 'mine' whenever I got close to the cookies or the playhouse. It could be Erica,"

"Or another woman? The fire could have been desire, jealousy and competition with the little girl representing the other woman."

"The man came in and shot me for trespassing. Protecting his property."

"Trespassing? That fits in with the bible too. We know they go to church, a lot. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. I'm seeing another woman."

"Nic, the Susie Homemaker stuff represents traditionalist female roles."

"Jane. I guess she's not so sweet after all."


	3. PowerPlay and Possession

Antonio stood over the dead body of Dick Jones, holding a clipboard. He was taking notes in such a casual fashion that one would not have guessed the stench of death permeated through the air he breathed.

"What have you got?" Nicole asked him.

"A body. I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

"I bet you will." Nicole replied as Jess rolled her eyes at the conspicuous innuendo.

Antonio cleared his throat. "Dick Jones; Caucasian male. 35 years old, athletic build,"

"And easy on the eye," Jess commented.

"Speaking of the eye; although both he and Jane took bullets to the chest I can't find bruises on either of them. No fractures, no broken bones, not a scratch."

"As far as the eye can see; is that what you meant?" Nicole asked.

"Actually I found that a vein in his eye had popped very soon before the time of death."

"Doesn't that happen to people who are under a lot of stress?" Jess asked, wanting to appear well-informed but secretly feeling inadequate.

"Yeah, but it can be provoked by intense emotions such as anger and rage…"

"…Often provoked by confrontation. That could explain the cookies in your vision. And the hot house. Hothead." Nicole suggested.

"That's how she described him in her diaries. And let's not forget that he shot me for being on his…"

"Property. Antonio, you down with O.P.P?"

Antonio looked up at Nicole while leaning over Jane's dead body. "No, and I'm not a necrophiliac either. Why?"

"Other people's property. A violent man is an insecure man so this insecure man had something to protect. He'd kill for it."

"So he killed his wife with his daughter in the house?" Jess asked

"We don't know that she was there," Antonio interrupted while examining a hair sample until a microscope.

"Right. Look; this is about pretence and Dick isn't who people think he is. I'm sure he's not himself in your vision. Jane isn't."

"You've got that right; she drank 14 units of alcohol between last night and this morning. Her skin was flushed, she was sweaty and the alcohol level in her blood was sky high."

"So she got drunk and shot her husband and herself? There has to be more to this. A vision would be nice right now." Nicole turned to Jess.

"I can't control them, they just happen. Besides I think we should follow the affair route. Who's his mistress?"

"I don't care." Nicole said abruptly. "Antonio, we'll call. Let's go."

Although Jess couldn't understand why, Nicole was speeding down the highway headed back to the Scottdale neighbourhood.

"Nicole; Why?" Jess used minimal words hoping they would yield a great response.

"Because." Nicole turned on the radio. Nicole descended into one of her silent moods of deep thought and contemplation. It was akin to revving up a car to the maximum speed without taking her foot off the break. She was racking her brains of how to solve both a murder case and rescue Emily at the same time.

Jess was confused but still aimed to decipher the vision. _Burnt cookies. Clouds. Black clouds. Ice. Sharp edges._ Images flashed through her mind; as vividly as her photographic memory would allow."_ Mine, mine, mine_," echoed in her head. Jess felt the cold sensation induced by the impending vision.

Jess was sitting on the tree branch once more but she was holding onto a rope and leaning back like an abseiler. She was overlooking the garden through binoculars. Jane was cutting pink roses from the rose bushes and looked up. Jess leaned forward to keep out of sight but there was no need. Jane was waving at Dick with pink roses in her hands. Jane's waves became more vigorous and Jess waved back in the same fashion. Jane's smiling face descended into a frightened expression and day turned to night. Jess let go of the rope and called her name. "Jane!" But Jane wasn't to be seen any longer. Jess was surrounded by darkness. She reached for the rope but Dick was holding it. A smile spread across his face. "What are you doing on my property?" Before Jess could answer she was shot.

When she opened her eyes, Nicole was offering her a water bottle and they were parked outside the Jones' residence.

"Thanks," Jess said, recovering from a disturbing episode.

"I thought you needed it. So what's the latest?"

Jess filled Nicole in.

"That proves two things. One; Dick definitely shot Jane it's too obvious, he saw her as his property and anyone meaning you, would get hurt if they came near. Two; someone was having an affair but it wasn't Dick."

"Jane? Well, judging by the number of male teachers, male church members and servicemen she came into contact with; the possibilities are endless."

"Not if who we're looking for is a woman."

"No way." Antonio replied on loudspeaker. "I thought she was a battered woman, how could she have the courage to do that? Or the time?"

"Yes way Antonio. In Jess's vision, she emphatically waved the roses i.e. happiness in Dick's face. And they were pink."

"And that makes her a lesbian," He said sarcastically.

"No, historically pink was the colour of the stars that gay people had to wear when sent to concentration camps. Or in more modern times, with the exclusion of cinematic pimps; guys weren't supposed to wear pink."

"So if I get you to wear pink…" Nicole slammed her flip phone shut in embarrassment.

Jess gave her a knowing look. "So that's why you come to work late."

Nicole shrugged her shoulders with a smile on her face. "Anyway, I think you should go and extract more juice from Gloria about who comes to the house everyday. I'm guessing a gardener. Housewives' favourite. Then talk to the police and take their reports. Oh, and after that; search the house for love letters, receipts and other evidence leading us to the mystery woman."

"What about you?"

"I have some surfing to do. There's only one way to find Erica – online."

"About Erica; I don't know how she fits into all of this and how we're going to find her."

"One doesn't come without the other. She's in all your visions, Jess."

"How?"

"She's on the outskirts, always the observer and she knows the most. She is you."

"But why would Dick shoot Erica?"

Nicole opened the door to let Jess out then swiftly drove off. Jess stood on the pavement, bewildered and blinded by the sun.

Pollock paced his office with growing irritability. It had been four hours since the briefing and they had yielded no results whatsoever. He was doing his best to ignore the constant phone ringing from home. He pre-empted the reception he would get on the other end of the line. Janice was far from friendly. He'd missed their last four dinner dates and had been sleeping in the office for the last week. He was ashamed to admit it, but he was avoiding his wife. He was avoiding his truth. Nicole interrupted his thoughts of domestic turmoil with a knock on the door.

"Agent? I believe there's a girl who's missing and you're being a special agent -though I don't know why at this precise moment – means that you're supposed to be out there, anywhere, finding her. Where is she Agent?"

"I don't know, sir."

"Classic. Brilliant." Pollock replied.

"We have made some progress." Nicole said, justifying herself.

"I know; your Dick shot Jane the Lesbian theory is real progress."

"Sir; this goes much deeper." Pollock gestured towards the chair and Nicole sat down and put the laptop on his desk. "Anto…Agent Cortez taught me how to trace the phone number that connects Erica to the Internet through the server. I've been through her logged chats with her friends and _Blacksheep_ comes up systematically. They talk every Thursday night at 1.00a.m. Erica opens up more with Blacksheep than anyone else because she doesn't know her."

"So Erica IMs a stranger. And?"

"Blacksheep knows Erica. Personally. She's been studying her."

"Grooming her. Blacksheep is a paedophile."

"No. Blacksheep is someone who desperately needs Erica's trust but Dick wants to keep away. Blacksheep is Erica's best friend…and Jane's lesbian lover."


	4. Betray and Begrudged

"Great. Just great. You're telling me there's a murderer on the loose with the girl in her custody and you haven't even…?"

"Searched the home, sir? Jess is there right now. She found Jane's agenda. This family obviously uses organisation as a layer over their decadence. There were plane tickets that coincided with dates of out of town night vigils. So Jane's been serving the Lord,"

"While she serves this woman." And I suppose you…"

"Exactly, Ant…Agent Cortez ran the numbers for their accounts and found that Dick has a car licensed in Maryland, but the car has never been sighted in D.C. or Maryland or Virginia for that matter. The neighbours have never seen it and it's never shown up on the cameras at the approximate times it should."

"So you're telling me a woman's been cruising around the tri-state area without being sighted."

"Yes."

"126,553 square miles. You can't find this woman in one of them. You haven't by chance found the identity of this woman in all this long-winded, time-wasting, useless…"

"Back off!" Only when the words were released did Nicole recognise the implication of what she had said. Despite her brawn, she often refrained from verbal scuffles with her boss. Pollock exhaled in a serene fashion that unnerved more than settled her.

"Okay." Pollock replied with what could pass for a smile. "I will back off. Because no matter what I say, nothing seems to inspire productivity. I, will gladly let you all carry on in this asinine back and forth, because I know that you'll fail eventually. Oh maybe you'll enjoy yourselves for a while; believing that you're content, things will turn out alright and you're making the right choice. Then reality will set in and you'll see the huge mistakes you're making because hindsight is the best sight."

Nicole was dumbfounded at whether that was an attack on her work or her relationship. Her rapport with Pollock had taken an extreme turn in a direction she couldn't yet fathom. Pollock was satisfied at her silence; he had gotten through. She had learnt to suppress her emotions a long time ago. She cleared her throat and picked up the laptop.

"We need a helicopter for Maryland. 18 minutes?"

"18 minutes." Pollock replied.

"That was weird." Jess said, sitting around Antonio's desk with him and Nicole. "Really weird. Look Nic, Pollock obviously has grievances with you guys being together."

"I know." Nicole said, not making eye contact and dismissing the subject. "The dial-up numbers are from all over Maryland. As in Maryland _cookies_,"

Antonio searched Maryland on the database. "Maryland state, 12,417 square miles. Counties; Garrett, Frederick, Calvert, Charles,"

"Any female-named counties? Women are a big part of this after all."

"Anne Arundel, Caroline, St. Anne's, St. Mary's. That's all I've got."

"It has to be St. Mary's." Nicole stated. "The _roses_ were the sign of the Tudor house. Mary was the first Tudor Queen."

"Not to mention Mary's religious importance in the Catholic church." Antonio commented.

"Great, because Jane was the homecoming Queen in the class of 1988, St. Mary's Catholic High School." Jess input. "And guess who was King?"

"You're kidding me." Nicole said as a picture of a teenage Dick stared up from the page. "A match made in freaking heaven." Nicole pondered for a moment. "Antonio, search 'stolen crown' with these results."

A short list of similar articles appeared on the screen. Various tales of how Caroline Albright was the true homecoming queen but was dethroned before the ceremony for inappropriate conduct. They all stated that Jane won by default leaving Caroline in the dirt.

"Who would've thought an insignificant student popularity contest could mean so much to so many people?" Jess asked, bemused by the conspiracy and hysteria.

"It's not about the crown. It's about possession. Dick in your vision; protecting his property and all that is his. The little girl; she's not Erica or Jane. She's Caroline Albright and she's back to reclaim the life that was once stolen from her. Don't you see? If she was queen to Dick's King, she would be in the suburbs right now. But she's not. And Erica is the crown jewel."

As much as Nicole's explanation scared both Jess and Antonio, she boarded the helicopter and blocked out all sounds beyond her own thoughts. She would never admit that Pollock's words had pierced her deeply and she leaned back to soften the emotional blow. Her anxiety came from wanting his approval but mostly wanting hers. Antonio was always pursuing a new route to get closer to her and she blocked every pathway. Instead of dwelling, she looked through the details she'd found about Caroline but kept from the others. She had to solve this case 'han solo' to win her respect back. Antonio tapped her on the shoulder.

"Nic," he whispered.

"Not now, Antonio."

"Then when? We'll be there in 30 minutes. We need to discuss what Pollock said,"

"No, we don't. You need to detect whether either Erica or Caroline has been on the web and pick up any sub-conscious signs. Jess is going to her haunts to see if she can find her and get any closer and I'm planning how I'm going to find them both in the next 48 hours."

"That's great, Nicole," Antonio said with forced sincerity. "What about us?"

Nicole ignored his question and made some notes on the Caroline files.

"Nic,"

"I don't like this anymore than you do." She said, not lifting her eyes off the page. "Please Antonio, let's discuss this tonight."

Jess knocked on Caroline's door. After many failed attempts to get contact, Jess swiftly kicked the door open. The apartment was tiny with fives rooms in total. High school souvenirs were hanging all over the walls. The wallpaper was peeling off the walls and the carpet was shaggy. Although the sight was horrible, Jess nearly fainted when she walked into the bedroom. Pictures, telling a life story, were plastered all over the walls. Jess called Caroline's former school counsellor, and then called Nicole.

Nicole sat on the bed with her laptop researching every point the psychiatrist made and sent the information to Antonio. Jess looked at the pictures for a connection. For once, _she_ wished for a vision.

"It's clear that Caroline Albright is mentally unstable. This evidence is indicative of how her traumatic past has perpetuated the belief that Jane's life is envious. Over the past months, you say she's been communicating with the daughter."

"Yes, Erica confided her true opinions in her." Jess contributed.

"She's been living vicariously through Erica. Using her to find out how life is. It killed her to know that Jane was happy; even superficially happy. Some people only have high school."

"What do you mean?" Nicole asked, while avoiding Antonio's messages.

"When you have been abused and abandoned as a child, as Caroline was. High school can be the only place where one can use their personality to gain some power over others. Popularity is a drug. The most dependent are those who want to fill the internal void with external gratification. As delusional as her thoughts were, Caroline believed that she would be ale to map the rest of her life out from high school onwards. She thought; if she played her cards right; she would marry Dick, have his children and run far away from her childhood and every place she associated it with."

Nicole walked out of the small apartment without warning.

"Is she alright?" Dr Balogun asked.

"I think so. What do you mean by 'playing her cards right?'?"

"In a catholic school, 'inappropriate conduct' is usually of a sexual nature. There was a rumour that Caroline was pregnant. The school was informed and they decided that she wasn't fit to represent the school as an elected member of any form."

"Was she?"

"Between you and me, she wasn't by the time homecoming came around. She terminated the pregnancy because she feared she would be expelled. Luckily she wasn't. But it didn't matter anymore because by graduation, Dick and Jane went to college, then married and had a daughter. Caroline would have had a daughter."

"That's why she did it? To get her daughter back. Why didn't she just move on?" jess asked, filled with anxiety by Caroline's motive.

"There are some grudges that people just can't let go of."


	5. Egos and he goes

Nicole was waiting in the car when Jess and Dr. Balogun left the apartment.

"Why'd you leave?" Jess asked as she buckled her seatbelt. Nicole silently started up the car.

"Nicole,"

"Jess, let's find this girl. There's no time for emotions." Nicole sped down the road. Jess' body shook and she felt a cold spell run down her spine. When she opened her eyes she saw Erica in the driver's seat, speeding down the highway. Caroline was sitting in the back seat begging Erica to stop.

"What happened last night?" Jess asked.

Erica's head rolled around like a doll, to face Jess without moving her neck. A murderous smile crept across her face as she laughed manically.

"Who are you? Where are you going?" Jess asked with urgency.

Erica indicated right and the car swerved to the right without warning. A white light stunned Jess' eyes until she couldn't see anything else.

"Jess?" Nicole asked. Jess' face was pale and she was breathing heavily.

"What'd you see?"

"Erica…in the driver's seat. She was taking Caroline for a ride and she wouldn't stop. They went to the right, then there was a light and I couldn't see anything."

"Was it blinding?"

Jess nodded her head. "It ended the vision."

"It's the truth Jess. It's coming to light and will change everything forever. The truth brings new beginnings and sometimes, endings."

"Endings? But Nicole, we haven't found her yet."

"Yes we have. What's right and pure and laughs when you try to change their plans?"

"God?"

"Call Antonio and, have you ever worn a habit?"

"No...but I guess there's a first time for everything. Undercover?"

"You bet. This'll be the first time I've been to church since…it's been a long time."

"Nic, I know you don't want to talk about what made you walk out."

"Then let's not."

"I don't know what's more elusive; you or my visions." Jess said, shaking her head.

Nicole pulled the car over at a pit stop. They were eating burgers in the small fast food place.

"Burgers and coffee, I feel like a college student." Nicole said, picking out the onions.

Jess looked away. "I never went to college. I mean I never finished. My dad…he died, Doug was…he was ill. Then I started having visions. I just couldn't see myself graduating anymore."

"That doesn't mean you never will."

"It was just so hard, I felt like I couldn't think anymore. Like there was always something imposing in my life. I always felt responsible."

"I always _feel_ responsible." Nicole replied, picking out the tomatoes. "Jess, ever since Antonio and I got back together I feel all eyes are on me. Not us, me. Pollock needs me as an Agent. You need me as a partner. And Antonio, he needs me as his…"

"Girlfriend?"

"Wife."

"What?" Jess shouted, spitting out her coffee.

"Shah!"

"Wife?" she whispered, shocked as hell. "He proposed?"

"Nope, but it's coming. We've come too far Jess, but I'm not ready. I can't do matrimony. I've been there before and I can't go back again."

"You were married? After all the slack you gave Antonio about his ex-wife,"

"I was eighteen. Just like Caroline. I was abandoned. Just like Caroline. And all those years, I was abused." Nicole admitted.

"Nic, I'm sorry." Nicole held up her hand to stop Jess from talking.

"You weren't there. It was a place and time that you had nothing to do with. So don't apologise. That's how I got those marks on my back. When I was sixteen, I met a guy. By seventeen I left the home and moved in with him. At eighteen, I was going to marry him. I had the ring and everything."

"Wow," Jess said, surprised by her revelations.

"He wasn't husband material. He sold drugs for a big time dealer. To think, it was Antonio and I who took him, eventually."

"Your boyfriend?"

"No, the dealer; Warren Hutt. It cost us though."

"How?"

"I think it's better if you look that one up. Where was I? Oh, I realised that I was lying to myself and the ring was the biggest sign. You can't fill a void that's been there from childhood, with a man you barely know."

"So why did you try?" Jess asked, sipping her cold coffee.

"I wanted out, so bad. And thought he would take me away and protect me. She was right you know; some people only have high school. That's the only place they count, Jess. That was the first place I ever felt powerful and his attention made me feel wanted and worthy. I hadn't felt that since I was two years old. Wanted, worthy. Now Antonio wants more of a commitment out of me and I don't know how much of me is left."

"A helluva lot." Nicole smiled.

"You're just saying that." Jess lifted the silver napkin holder to her face. Nicole saw her reflection in the small rectangular mirror.

"You're still standing. So get over yourself and let's solve this case. Where's that habit?"

Our Lady of Sorrows church was a chilling, community church. It lacked in size but its aura of abandonment was consuming. The once pink roses were dead and weeds choked them. "This is the place," Jess thought. The pathway was unclear, one couldn't tell where the muddy grass ended and the concrete path began. The building was dilapidated, deterring even the most faithful people and sending them to somewhere else.

No one would have thought that it used to be a refuge for troubled teens to go to and steal back the few precious moments of their childhood. Although it was technically on the wrong side of the tracks, it was an inner city haven. Nicole used to go there after school for some peace before she went "home." It was the one place where her fear could subside. But no one knew that. She had never let someone else revisit that lonely place with her, hold her hand and tell her it was over. She was the hand holder to others, offering hope and consoling. Unfortunately, no level of altruism could fill her own voids. She had settle for momentary heroism to give her joy. Not the longest lasting but at least she was deserving and that she knew.

Antonio arrived in a beaten car. "I was going for discretion," he said as he left the grey 'hooptie.' "Why is there no backup? Nic, I hope you're not playing Superwoman."

"I don't play."

"You know what I mean, it's dangerous."

"No it's not. Caroline doesn't need an army of 25 shooting at her head. Give her some respect. She's confessing."

Antonio and Jess stared at each other in bemusement.

"Look; I lied earlier and I mislead us all. Caroline's no lesbian. There was no illustrious affair. Erica's talking to a therapist in Pollock's office right now. She was spending the night at her friend's house when it happened. She's not at risk. Of Caroline that is."

"What?" Antonio asked in anger.

"How could you lie to us?" Jess shouted, her voice echoing.

"For once, everything doesn't have to be a high speed chase. We don't have to shoot anybody. We can solve a case on our wit not our brawn."

"You mean _you_ can solve a case." Jess said accusingly. "Forget about us, remember your ego."

Nicole tried to reach out to Jess, verbally. "It's not like that. If only you could understand,"

Jess looked away, denying Nicole's explanation.

"Nic," Antonio said, not buying into the female tension and hostility that clogged the air they breathed. "You're not wired and you don't have a gun."

"I can't take care of myself."

"Here we go." Jess said in irritation. "She's about to walk into a death trap and you'll let her. Nic, I'm pissed as hell that you're using this case to prove a point."

"What point?" Antonio asked, oblivious to the fact that Nicole's recent conduct was affected by him.

"The point that she can be all things to all people." Jess said, before she walked back to the car and drove away.

Antonio stared Nicole in the face, startled by Jess' revelation. Every time he thought their relationship was moving to a higher plane; something new shook its foundation. Nicole could take him to the highest high and the lowest low all in a day without doing anything.

"I'm sorry Antonio. It must be difficult for you to hear all this."

"When is it not? Nicole I'm tired of trying to decode the choices you make for us."

"What choices? You bombard me with your expectations Antonio. Where's the choice in that?"

"You communicate the most when we argue, just so you can turn away from me. Is this the only way to win your honesty?"

Nicole's speech was stifled. Antonio had aimed well and hit hard. He had broken through what he considered to be as hard as diamond. Nicole turned her back to him.

"What's new?" Antonio said, dropping all pretence and being cold. Nicole's eyes were glistening but she refused to let him see her cry. As soon as he sensed her crying, he felt guilty.

"Nic," There was nothing he could say to make it right, now. "She's in there isn't she?"

Nicole nodded her head still looking away. Antonio stood behind her and put his arms around her waist. She was crying silently and thought he couldn't see.

"You were right. Let's discuss this tonight. I know you'll come back in one piece and you'll bring her back with you. I know you. You've got this one."

Nicole didn't respond vocally but her tense muscles relaxed. She let him go but decided not to let him walk away. She had a feeling that tonight would be the most important of her life. But as always, business came before pleasure. She walked up the muddy pathway to her past. _Time for confessions_, she thought.


	6. Used2Be

The door creaked as Nicole let herself in. The wind swept dust across the floor. The room they used for recreation back when she was young, was bare. There was no longer colour on the walls or voices or laughter giving life to this place. It echoed loneliness. The wall was damp and chalky, the bricks were reusing and the lights were out. Wires were hanging down where a small, understated glass chandelier used to be. There was no furniture; just emptiness accompanied by silence.

"Nikki," Caroline called. She was sitting on a plastic chair, using a stack of mouldy bibles as a table. There was a quarter-burned candle illuminating her face. A menacing light on a calm expression. "So you finally came to see me?"

Nicole walked over and sat down on the adjacent plastic chair.

"How've you been?" Nicole asked with sincere concern. Caroline looked around the room.

"Not so good. Not that you care. How many years has it been?"

"Are you quite finished?" Nicole asked, in no mood for a guilt trip.

Caroline held a cigarette between her teeth and lit it up with the candle. She took a long drag as though she was inhaling peace of mind. "You're right, no need to reminisce on the past. Or dwell on how you _left_ me."

"Stop."

"You _left_ me Nikki. I begged you to stay."

"To stay to protect _you_. And everyone else. Always playing someone else's saviour. Damn it where was mine?" Nicole tone had heated up like red metal. This wasn't like her, her endeavoured to be in control. But her past had a way of stealing her joy and playfully running away wit it. All that was left was this resentment. This teeth gritting, head swelling, migraine inducing, temper flaring resentment. She wished for a gun, with no idea of a target.

"I had to go."

"Well…" Caroline said about to embellish on her hardships since Nicole left the home.

"No!" Nicole interrupted, tired of everyone blaming their misery on her. "He beat me unconscious Cally; that was the one time somebody took me to the hospital. The marks are still there on my lower back. They're not going anywhere. But I took it for you. I always stepped in front of you and took it; the belt, the extension cord, the wire hanger. I would died within a year if I would have stayed at that hellhole." Nicole shook her head, pained at having said things she hadn't vocally recalled in years. Those times were recurrent in her dreams but that wasn't for telling. "Besides; you called me and I'm here. Still playing saviour."

Caroline looked around the room, again. Ash fell on the table. "I heard you did seven at the County Jail. Is that true?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Caroline nodded her head, emphatically. "Yep, you, Darnell and them. I guess you weren't so damn Untouchable. It's true what they say. Kids from homes always end up in jail."

"That's not always the case." Nicole replied, downplaying her success. "Some people fight against the system."

Caroline looked her straight in the eyes. "And some people become a part of it."

Nicole shrugged her shoulders; knowing that Caroline was baiting her.

Caroline leaned back in her chair. "Why do you think I called you? Nicole Scott, Special Agent for the F.B.I. That's far from the Nikki Scott I used to know. Do they know about your little stint in the slammer huh? Nikki Scott who used to have my back, until…"

Caroline stood up and paced around the room. Nicole's eyes followed her persistently. She was prepared for Caroline's denial; she was a frail girl when they first met. Caroline walked into the home wit her knobby knees and was instantly a target of the other kids. On the first day most of her memories of her mother; her porcelain doll, pendant necklace, peach diary and an old edition of "Alice in Wonderland" and been stolen and traded. She was eleven. Nicole was a tough and defiant thirteen-year-old who took her under her wing and fought to reclaim her things. This surrogate relationship was unhealthy as Caroline grew attached and Nicole, more responsible. That's why Nicole wasn't being hard on her, she understood Caroline's plight; Nicole was her mother and this was the second time she was abandoned.

Caroline was no longer that woman, she was feisty and strong willed. But that little girl lived inside and cried for someone to rescue her from this mess. She slid into the chair.

"Let's not waste each others' time." Nicole suggested. "One hour. Sixty minutes. No more outbursts."

"Oooh, hardball."

Nicole stood up and leaned over the plastic table into Caroline's face. Less than two inches separated them. "I can play hard ass with the best of them; I have and I will. Don't bullshit me. We're not Nikki and Cally anymore. We're Nicole and Caroline, the Agent and the Murderer."

"I'm not a murderer."

"You killed them."

"I didn't kill them!" Caroline screamed.

"I can work with you or against you, 'fess up and I'll see what I can do."

"You can't do this to me."

"Can _and_ will. Why'd you kill them and leave that girl parentless? You know what that feels like and you did it anyway. What if she was at home?"

"She wasn't." Caroline interrupted, blowing gently on her nails.

"You planned it. All your IM chats. You told her to leave home."

"I was helping her."

"How?"

"_She_ didn't deserve that. They did."

Nicole stared into the eyes of the past and felt feverish from the influx of conflicting emotions. In Caroline, she saw herself and all that she could have become. Jealous, unforgiving and guilty. Seeing the girl she used to call Cally, this way, scared her beyond description.

A sharp voice interrupted her thoughts. "You don't understand. You don't understand me. You never did."

Nicole rolled her eyes, knowing it would throw Caroline off the blame game. Se checked her watch.

"That hour is slipping between your fingers. Forty two minutes. Forty two minutes between you and the system. It's me or the County. Or Maximum Security rather."

Caroline lit up another cigarette nonchalantly. "I'm not going to jail." The smoke dispersed freely threw the air. "I left that place immaculate. Body hairs, fibres, blood; none. Except for the bodies. But I didn't kill them."

"Thirty eight."

"I didn't use a .38."

"Minutes."

"Why, Nikki, someone may _thank_ that you're try'n'a get a confession outta lil' old me." She said in her fake Southern accent.

Nicole slapped a wad of papers on the table and Caroline jumped.

"Evidence. I know you didn't shoot them _both_, but you shot Dick. He shot Jane then you shot him. Left them for dead and fled the scene, through the back. The wind was blowing and that cashmere sweater was snagged on their backyard fence. Someone could have seen you from that tree house that overlooks the pink roses. The roses that you trod on. The family you ruined."

"They were already ruined."

"You just added some empty bullet shells to the equation, huh? But let's get back the murder. Fact now; motive later. Now I know you shot him and that's enough to earn the death penalty."

Caroline leaned forward.

"Nikki; I only called to because we go way back and I know that you can make this disappear. Fact, fiction, who the fuck cares? You can spin this Nikki, I know you can."

"You can't be serious."

Caroline stared over Nicole's shoulder. "I'm as serious as he is."

Nicole turned around slowly. Her eyes grew with shock.

"Darnell?"


	7. Piece her together

Her past made its presence known in that room as Darnell's feet swept across the floor. Darnell. The first guy she ever trusted _or mistrusted_, she thought. The guy who took her virginity. The guy she had to turn away from to become the woman she was today. Somewhere inside, Nikki lived. Her unresolved issues were flooding to the surface, her skin felt hot. She hadn't been face to face with him since Phoenix. The room was invisible yet untidy with everyone's baggage. As convoluted as their tales were; it all made sense.

Caroline was right, although Nicole hated to admit it. She left her a long time ago. Abandoned her for Darnell and his sweet and endless promises. Seventeen like the dancing queen and none the wiser. Darnell; a name and a definition. He was the line between right and wrong. In order to do the right thing; all those years ago Nicole crossed him. Not satisfied with being the Bonnie to his Clyde, she started off as an informant. A rookie. The eyes and ears of an operation that extended from the inner city street corners to suburban homes to the sky liners that stood tall in the city centre. As time progressed; she felt a shift. She was changing into her own woman; Nikki was being outgrown by Nicole. Then she met Antonio Cortez. Charming, wise and astute. And she kept him on his toes; some things never change.

The night when she shot Antonio solidified her loyalty to Darnell forever. Forever was a hell of a long time. They lived in different worlds now. Nicole felt reborn; unbound to the ties that once held her to him with a dependency so strong she put her autonomy aside. No, not now.

"Nikki, baby," he said with the brass cockiness that hadn't faded with time.

"It's Nicole and I'm not your baby." Nicole watched him as closely as a hawk, preparing herself for any swift movements. He laughed lightly as stood with his arms folded. Marking his territory. _Great_, Nicole thought.

"To what do I owe this pleasure?" Nicole asked.

"Come on, lighten up; it's a reunion. Old friends, family."

"We're not friends and I'll be damned if we're family. Cut to the chase. I know you didn't come here to plead on her behalf." Caroline looked up; since Darnell strolled in, she couldn't look Nicole in her eyes. That would be enough ammunition for an ass-kicking.

"What did you do Darnell? Diamond heist? Armed robbery?"

He responded with a mocking laughter. "Cut the bullshit Nikki, you know and I know that there are three criminals in this room and none of us need help with wiping our bloody hands clean. Not even you. You know what I want."

"Cally, get out." Nicole ordered while her eyes were in a deadlock with Darnell's.

"I'm not the little girl you can just push around and expect…"

"Expect me to kick your ass if you don't give us space. And don't even think of leaving. You've put yourself in line for the chair and if the state doesn't kill you I will for bringing me face to face with the biggest mistake of my life."

Caroline leant against the chalky brick wall, smoking a cigarette.

"You outdid yourself D."

"Thank you."

"You used innocent deaths to get my attention. Selected people with enough connections to me so you knew this case would land on my desk and I'd come running. Only for Caroline."

"That's you Nikki; that's your soft spot. You always have to be the hero. And family; that's your kryptonite. I've never seen someone go from streetwise to sentimental with the mention of a few names. _Kelly_, _Caroline_, Ella."

The last name stabbed her heart; jolted her like electricity. The silence was encapsulating.

"I always liked that name. Did you think I'd forget? Two people have already died to get you here Nikki, I tried to reach you but you keep ignoring me. I hate to be ignored. If you don't give her back to me, I swear I'll leave a trail of blood behind and it will all be your fault."

"You wouldn't."

"It's already begun; that girl is mourning because you couldn't pick up the phone. I want Ella and I'll kill to get her back."

"Then you're the most sadistic fool I've ever known. You're wasting your time; there is no Ella. Look at you; killing for leverage. I spared her."

The room went black. She couldn't feel a thing. Voices were heard as Nicole faded in and out of reality.

"…attempted murder…"

"…The patient incurred significant damage to the…"

"…convicted felon Darnell…"

"…conspiracy to murder…"

Nicole regained consciousness from a four-day coma.

"If you wanted a vacation, you should have asked." She never thought she'd be happier to hear Pollock's voice. Her face was felt light but her body was fatigued; it hurt to laugh even though she had no reason.

"Nicole," Antonio was standing over her; analysing her bodily injuries.

"Not now Agent," Pollock stated, "She'll have a million tomorrows to discuss this with you, not today."

Antonio sat down and Nicole gave Pollock a thankful look. Jess' shaking hands were holding a cup of cold coffee and a cosmetics bag.

"I'm not one for feelings so…welcome back Agent." Pollock signalled for Antonio to leave them alone.

"Nicole,"

"Don't apologise, Jess. It's not your fault. I shouldn't have tried to solve this one alone. I hate to admit it, but I need you guys. Almost as much as you need me. Cally, I mean Caroline hasn't been right for a long time. She needs help and if that means being carried away in a strait jacket and strapped to a bed then that's how it as to be."

"I never saw it coming."

"Jess; you have a gift but you're not God. The truth hurts, it's not rosy."

"The visions were about you?"

"When I had the abortion, I was protecting myself, my body, my baby. I had nothing to give her and there's no way that I would have put her in a home. The world didn't need another screwed up Nikki; I wanted more for her than that."

"That's one hell of a sacrifice Nicole but I don't understand how Pollock knows."

"He paid for it."

"What?"

"It was my decision and I wasn't an Agent yet. I promised that if he helped me to change my life so I could better myself and not just become another statistic; then I wouldn't disappoint him. And I haven't."

"But you're defiant and he's always critical of you."

"He's just holding me accountable; that's his way of getting the best of me by never making it easy."

"In theory that's great but he doesn't think that _Antonio_ is right for you."

"He doesn't think that _I'm_ right for Antonio. Without each other; we'd be perfect Agents but we're each other's kryptonite."

"Well you need to explain this to him because I don't think we can afford for this to happen again. You don't have any other ex-boyfriends with grudges, do you?"

"No. Except the one who was listening at the door."

Nicole was applying makeup while Antonio paced around the hospital room. She tried to move her body to the right, not to much avail.

"You look like you're having a fit," he joked.

"I'm trying to make space for you to sit so you can stop avoiding me like the plague." He sat down beside her.

"I was worried; not that medical science wouldn't prevail but,"

"That I wouldn't make it."

"Nic, I realised that there are no certainties. Not in the bureau, not in life."

"And not with me? Is that what you're trying to say? That I'm a flake? Wait, is this about the baby? If you want to know why I didn't tell you, I can't explain that part."

"What if it was _my_ baby?"

"It wasn't."

"What if it was? Come on Nic, the timing was…"

"Don't turn this into a Maury Povich paternity episode because it. Was. Not. Your. Baby."

"Answer the question."

"Fine. I didn't and I don't and I won't _ever_ want a baby with anyone but you. I wasn't your first wife, I said no to you in Phoenix. I can't move in with you, give up the Bureau, my apartment, my last name for you. But what about the sacrifices I make? I gave up a baby. I found your ex-wife's sister. I let you meet my mother. I showed you my scars. I come to work late from making love to you. But it's never enough. I put myself out there to die; I took a bullet for you. But I love you so much that I would have died just so you didn't become entangled in this mess."

"I love you Nicole but I can't live as an outsider. I've put my life on pause for you since we met again outside that mall in D.C. I'm tired of getting the short end; having to overhear just so I feel close to you. It's not enough. We can't go back and forth for the rest of our lives and you can't avoid this issue any longer. You came back in one piece. So tell me."

"What?"

"Tell me that I can call U-Haul to empty your apartment. Tell me that your lamp will sit on my nightstand. Tell me that you'll take up three quarters of my closet and won't let me complain about it. Tell me that I'll never have to wonder if you're coming back. Tell me that when you heal and they let you out that it's my apartment that you'll be going home to. Forever."

"All that?"

"Just tell me."

"Not your apartment. And not mine. We need somewhere new to call our own."

"Tell me Nicole."

"Yes."


	8. Pleasure Principle

Nicole had been on bed rest at Antonio's apartment for two weeks of excruciating boredom. Her inactivity had made her both dependent on Antonio and inquisitive about the past since she had so much time to dwell over it. Every other sentence was a question but the one she wanted to ask the most was, "Where is my mother?" Not that she expected her to come; she just couldn't help feeling disappointed. Antonio climbed into bed beside her. That was something she could get used to.

"You said you'd call me." Nicole said out of tedium, not irritability.

"So did you. To let me know you were ok."

"I can take care of myself. Anyways, I wanted in on the action. I'm dying here."

"Luckily; you're _not_ dying. No thanks to that bastard. Besides; Pollock took you off the case."

"What? Why?"

"You're a victim now; you can't solve the case you're a part of. And, I asked him to."

"You're out of your mind. Why would he listen to you? Plus; you solved the case with your ex-sister-in-law."

"That was different."

"What's the difference? Come on, be a man about it."

"Fine. I never had sex with my _ex_-sister-in-law."

"God, you're such a chauvinist. Even at the hospital you took it there."

"I can't forget about it Nicole."

"What are you afraid of? Until two weeks ago Darnell was my past. When I first met you, Darnell was my past. But I had a job to do. A job that made us who we are today. Give me some credit; at least I didn't marry him."

"It's always something with you. If it's not Darnell, it's her."

"What are you talking about?"

"Whenever we have a good thing going; you sabotage it, you can't just leave it alone. You have to pick at it."

"I. Do. Not. Do. That."

"_Why did you get married, Antonio_? _Why do you still have wedding pictures in your garage, Antonio_?"

"Stop,"

"_Why do you try to protect me_? _Why do you love me_? _Why are you always there for me_?"

"I don't do that," She said with her voice cracking on every word.

"_I don't need your protection. I'm not weak you know. I just want you; when I want you, where I want you, how I want you. So wait until I give you the green light_."

"I'm not selfish."

"No you're not. You're controlling. I'm not Darnell; you don't need to change me."

"He is not a threat to you. Or us."

"Sometimes I think that if you never met me you would be with him right now."

"Where? In jail? Believe it or not; you're weren't my only way out. I chose you. Now let's get back to this issue of my criticising our happiness to death."

"See? You're doing it again. Stop treating our relationship like a case. You don't have to know everything."

"I just want the truth. In everything."

"Here are the facts: I love you. I don't talk about my ex because she's not you. You're not here to recoup, you're here because it's our home."

Nicole didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She didn't know how to treat him any other way. Darnell had given her the run-around; if fact he had put her world in a whirlwind that she couldn't contain or control. He was right. He's not Darnell. Maybe it was the new intimacy of living together that caused Antonio to say what he did, but in all honesty Nicole knew that his repression was a response to her detachment. Antonio was doing press-ups on the bedroom floor, bare-chested. He only did that when he was frustrated. Nicole sat on his side of the bed, with her shadow covering his body.

"I did it on purpose."

"What?" He puffed out, between reps.  
"I walked into her trap; alone. I thought if anyone would kill me it would be her and I knew she was waiting for me."

"Why would you do that?"

"So you wouldn't have to. I'd rather die than see you hurt again. Anyway I owe you one from Phoenix."

The doorbell rang.

"Nicole!" Jess exclaimed as she hugged her. "I'm so glad to see you,"

"Good to see you too. But why are you shocked?"

"Your apartment." Jess sat down on the leather sofa. It made a fart noise that Nicole laughed at.

"What about it?"

"There was a fire and I thought you might have…died." The smile on Nicole's face dissolved.

"Move over."

"Your mother I mean Nina, stopped by to see you and there was smoke coming out through the letterbox. She called Antonio. I think…" Jess said in a hurried fashion.

"…it's related to the case. Damn!"

"Well thank God you weren't there. I'm so happy you're okay."

"Thanks. What was that about my mother?"

"She's been looking after your place; she thought that you wouldn't want her around. And she didn't want to worry you with the hate mail."

"What hate mail?"

"I thought Antonio explained everything."

"Try the opposite, he doesn't tell me anything."

"To top it all off; I've been having a vision. This one is recurring. I think it's about you."

Nicole stormed into the bedroom to find Antonio rearranging is closet; an anally-retentive activity that he did when he was guilty.

"You've been talking to my mother and didn't tell me?" She yelled.

"She insisted…"

The doorbell rang again.

"Save it! I'm selfish, you're a liar and now the doorbell is ringing like a fucking Ricki Lake episode."

"Pollock?" Nicole asked in shock as she opened the front door.

"It's actually John after hours. And no, that's not an invitation for you to use that tenor. I think Lord will be appropriate. Or Sensei."

"Come in, _Sensei_."

"Comfy." Pollock commented on the sofa. "Though I'm not a fan of impromptu Missing Persons Bureau meetings, I have to take you off bed rest prematurely."

"Yes!" Nicole was ecstatic at the prospect of being free again.

"I'm sure that Agent Cortez informed you of the recent goings on." Pollock asked sarcastically, "Of course he didn't. Quarrel later. See what I did there? Both a suggestion and a premonition."

"Wonderful sir, is Darnell still at large?"

"You know the answer to that: whenever a criminal has influence…"

"He's always at _large_ even if his minions are _small_."

"How, Agent?" Jess and Antonio were bemused at this one-word communication system they were using.

"It was provocation of a personal kind, sir. Revelations."

"Code Orange?"

"Red."

"Grudge material."

"Lifelong."

"Cortez, how long should it take a Red Miata with to drive 17.8 miles at 35km per hour with four three-minute stops en route?"

"60.8 minutes sir."

"What if they left at 11.15p.m.? Yesterday?"

"They should arrive in a minute sir, at 12.16."

"Then open the door." Nicole said and smiled a reminiscent smile. The doorbell rang.

In his kitchen, Antonio made coffee and sought Jess' advice.

"You can't keep _that_ from her Antonio. Her mother's her soft spot. Does she know about Jasmine?"

"No."

"You've kept her in the dark?"

"Call it what you want. There's a method to my madness."

"There better be. I mean it; you can't just use this time to shut her out from the rest of the world."

"At least I gave her two peaceful weeks,"

"How noble, but Nic isn't that kind of woman. She'll never be satisfied with calm; she's an Agent through and through."

"We're building a life together."

"It's the unexpected that keeps you together. You don't have to be a solution to her past. You're not her father. She wants you for a soul mate not a childhood-fixer. If she didn't love you; she wouldn't be here."

"I just want to protect her."

"By hiding the truth from her? Women hate lies. Didn't it occur to you that Darnell's greatest ammunition is aimed at you and Nicole? You're helping him to tear you apart. Again.

"So…Darnell's trying to kill me." Nicole asked both Pollock and her mother.

"_Tried _Agent. Past participle." Pollock interjected, assuring that correct grammar was observed.

"Why would he want to kill you?" Nina asked.

"I think that's best explained in private." Pollock advised.

Nina looked across to Nicole for confirmation. "He's right. There's so much…too much." She couldn't believe that she was still trying to protect her mother's feelings.

"I never thought I would say this but; I think you're safer staying with Cortez." Pollock stated hesitantly. Nicole suppressed her inner smile from showing as an outer one. Jess and Antonio walked in with the coffee. Out of anger, Nicole couldn't look at Antonio. Her frustration made her eyes focus on everything else.

"Nicole, I have something to explain." Nina said anxiously. "Why I'm really here."

_Typical_, Nicole thought. _You can't just be here because I'm you're daughter and I'm sick. Well, kind of_.

"Erica Jones is best friends with Jasmine Egans."

"Erica from the case?" Nicole asked, abruptly.

"Yes. She was with Jasmine the night her mother and father were murdered."

"Does Jasmine use the name _SweetJ.Azz_ online? Because I know her pretty well." Nicole mentally recalled the IM chats she read through.

Nina nodded her head. "Sixteen years ago I had a daughter and I remarried. His name is James."

Nicole put two and two together. "And her name is Jasmine." Nicole walked out without warning. She sat on the bed shaking with shock.

"I'll go and see how she is." Jess suggested.

"Maybe I should…" Nina started, "…no I've caused enough damage already. Tell her that I'll call. I don't think she's into surprises." Nina wiped her eyes dry and left.

"Cortez, see me out. Mastriani, I'll see you and Agent Scott tomorrow."

Jess knocked gently on the door. "It's me, Nic. Nina's gone and Antonio's…it's me okay?" Nicole opened the door.

"Don't watch me."

"What?"

"If I cry, look away. Understood?"

"Sure. Nic I don't know what to say."

"I have a half-sister and stepfather that I never knew existed. What's there to say?"

"Look; this isn't about you."

"Excuse me?"

"I know you were wronged-"

"Damn right I was. She thinks she can just come into my life, drop some emotional bombshell and drive back to her house and white picket fence."

"Nicole! Shut up. I know you're angry but the fact is: Erica is still at risk. And so is your sister."

"Half-sister and I don't know her from Adam."

"Well you better get to know him because this is our case and now it's personal. More personal than you're feeling at the moment."

"Jess, what is this?"

"Nicole I'm your friend. But I'm an Agent. I can't let you stop me from doing my job just because you don't like this situation. You're my partner and I'll need you there tomorrow. When this is over; you can interrogate you mother as much as you want. You can call her out for not being there, chastise her actions in the past and even blame her for your relationship issues with Antonio. But not now. I'm asking you. Be there." Jess closed the door behind her and walked past Antonio and Cortez on her way to the car.

"Sir, it's late, it's cold and we're outside office hours."

"Those are three accurate yet pointless observations. I suppose you want to know what my reservations are with this…"He paused. "…_relationship_."

"I do."

"A long time ago a soldier had fallen in the trenches. A colonel; recognising the promise and talent in that soldier, lent a hand. The soldier was grateful and asked what he could do in return. The colonel told the soldier to follow him and that his allegiance was gratitude enough. The soldier stayed loyal and grew agile and astute under the colonel's guidance. The soldier climbed the rungs of the ladder gaining respect and experience with ascendance. Though at times the soldier appeared to be beyond instruction, his loyalty never faltered even under the title of "_Special Agent_."

"I'm not derailing Nicole."

"The notion of a man sabotaging the career of the woman he loves to keep her dependent. Tried, tested, transparent. This colonel needs his solder back on top form. We never had this conversation."

The lights of Pollock car flickered on and Antonio went upstairs.

"Nicole." Antonio called her name softly. Nicole was sitting in a cold corner of their room, listening to Anita Baker and weeping into a pillow.

"Nic." She turned the volume up. "Just say it," Antonio shouted over the music. "Whatever it is, I can take it."

Nicole looked up at him incensed by anger and betrayal. She wanted to jump up and knock him out. A right hook to the face; but it wasn't worth it. Instead, she laid her deadly gaze on him for ten minutes, leaving him speechless. Anita sang of a sweet love while Nicole re-evaluated hers. She linked her hands behind his neck. He held her around her waist.

"Why did she leave you Antonio?"

"She said she couldn't stay and live in another woman's shadow. That I wasn't ready for commitment; that I rushed her into it. And, that's why I was never satisfied."

"Did you cheat on her?"

"Yes."

"Do you hate me?"

"Never."

"I'm furious."

"I know."

"I would say I can't believe it but I can. You shut me out. Was it your revenge? Finally you knew something I didn't and you could keep it from me. The ultimate lesson; role reversal."

"I didn't do it to hurt you."

"That's all we know. How to hurt each other. Well it worked. It cut me deep. So there; that's what I get for tearing your marriage apart. Somewhere inside you want to hurt me. Just like I know what hurts you and do it anyway. We don't know how to heal and be happy."

"We _can_ be happy."

"I'm choosing to believe you right now because I know that all we have is the Bureau and each other. All we have is each other."

Antonio held her tight as he slept. Nicole cried herself to sleep thinking about the great feat that was facing her and the man she was laying with. The one that got away. The one that re-entered her life. The one that she loved to death. The one she was wishing, hoping and praying would come through for her and be with her until the end. The end. However far or near that was. She knew it wouldn't be easy. There's no pleasure without pain.

His voice broke her thoughts.

"Nic, are you awake?"

"Yeah."

"Are you scared?"

"Yeah. You?"

Antonio held her tighter.

"Terrified."


	9. Love is a SacriFight

The weight of Antonio's arm was meant to make her feel safe but Nicole still lay awake at 3a.m. She was mentally recalling all the IM chats she had read; the intrusion on their private thoughts. They weren't just anonymous characters; they were the friends of her half-sister. It still hadn't sunk in. Jasmine who she knew so well on those pages was flesh not fiction. She already knew too much about her. Thinking about it enraged Nicole; that her mother had failed her child the second time around. "Nina" didn't know about Jasmine's escapades at night; sneaking out with Erica and hitching rides to the next town over. Just to fell connected with people they didn't know. Before this moment; her indiscretions were secrets of no concern. Now they were Nicole's responsibilities. Jasmine's naïveté was written in print; reminding Nicole of her own teenage vulnerability.

Her hands were shaking as she held the phone. The notes of the dial tone sounded years apart. She realised that this was the first time she had ever called her mother. They hadn't been in contact for six months since Antonio found her, and now Nicole was digesting the idea of a half-sister like bad special at Taco Bell. She took deep breaths; _relax Nicole you're in control_, she thought. _Controlling_, she remembered. She hadn't gotten over that either.

"Hello? Who is this?"

She gasped, "It's Nicole!" The cleared her throat. "I mean, it's Nicole. I know it's early,"

"You can say that again," Nina replied as she yawned. "I shouldn't have sprung that on you."

"No. You shouldn't have." Nicole answered, trying not to sound as bitter as she felt. "How is she?"

"Jasmine? She's fine. Why do you ask?"

_Because someone has to care_, Nicole thought. "Look, I'm on the case. That means I'll do my best to protect Erica and…you know."

"Thank you; you don't know what this means."

"I do."

"I was thinking that maybe we could meet somewhere, and talk."

"Nina, I don't want to be rude. The things we have to talk about involve the case. Beyond that…who knows if there is anything beyond that."

"Nicole before you go; Jasmine doesn't know about you."

_At least you're consistent; at lying that is_, Nicole desperately wanted to say.

"And, she doesn't know about _me_ either. She doesn't know what happened."

Between her mother's irresponsibility and pleading tone, she put two and two together.

"And you want me to keep that from her. You never change."

Nicole slammed down the phone in anger; waking up Antonio. She was flabbergasted that her mother was enjoying the fruits of the façade. A middle-class home, a husband, a daughter; all the things that Nicole deserved. He called her name as she packed clothes into her gym bag and grabbed the car keys. His calls fell on deaf ears.

Before she knew it, she was on the way to Jess' apartment, still wearing pyjamas and slippers.

"What happened?" Jess asked, assuming that it was about Antonio.

"I'm on board."

"I knew you would be."

"I called her an hour ago. She doesn't even care."

"Are you disappointed?"

"I am but I should know better. It's the way that she treats me; sweeping my life under the rug and out of her family's sight."

"Nicole I'm sorry, but it's not your place to tell Jasmine that her mother was in jail. The truth will come to light on its own; nothing's hidden under the sun."

"She's getting away with it. She runs away and ruins everything. Now we're preserving her lie."

"How is Antonio taking it?"

"Terribly. All we do is fight. I want this to end; and not with Erica in Witness Protection or Antonio feeling vengeful."

"How?"

Nicole's cell phone rang.

"Nicole Scott,"

"…left home this morning and hasn't come back." Antonio's morning voice was laced with fatigue and grumpiness.

"Relax."

"We need to talk."

"I'll see you at work."

Jess scrambled eggs while Nicole blended their protein shakes, giving Jess a knowing look.

"What is it?" Jess asked, feeling under scrutiny.

"Every time I see you, there's something you want to tell me but you never do. It's all over your face."

"No, it's nothing." Jess shook her head and looked away, but she could feel Nicole's eyes bearing into her soul. She was expecting Nicole to persist through her interrogative style of questioning. Instead, Nicole put her arm around her.

"Let me be a friend. You've been under a lot of pressure lately and you took it like a champ; but don't be like me. I'm learning to share. So tell me; whatever it is."

"I keep having a fish dream. It's the recurring vision I was talking about."

Nicole stared at Jess in silence for a minute.

"_So you think you're pregnant_," Nicole mimicked a game show host to lighten her mood. Jess didn't react.

"No. And, Colin is undercover."

"He sure knows his way under the covers, alright." Nicole joked.

"I'm serious. I thought _you_ were the pregnant one and I was the good aunty who threw baby showers."

"Well _good aunty_, that's not true."

"Also, I broke up with Colin a month ago but I've been with someone else." Jess confessed.

"Wait, you cheated on Colin and didn't tell me?"

"You weren't well."

"I would've healed quicker."

"I realised that Colin wasn't the one. Once you get over the sexy, bad boy image; the thrill is gone. I want more than that."

Nicole high-fived her. "I'm impressed."

"I hate myself for cheating."

"I've been there; on both sides. I'm not saying that it's right but it's also wrong not to go after what or who you want in life."

"I wish I could've done it without causing heartache."

"Unfortunately; pain is love. Looking at this case, I learn that more everyday."

"You have a good man, and it's going to work out." Jess reassured her friend.

Nicole looked at herself; she was wearing Antonio's tee-shirt and Tweety slippers. "I don't think of costume when I make a dramatic exit. Do you mind if I have a shower?"

"Third door on your left."

"Just so you know; I appreciate you hearing me out. More importantly; I respect you."

Jess was left in contemplation as Nicole sashayed down her corridor.

Her first day back at work since the accident brought along a different kind of anxiety. Nicole refused to believe that she ever felt nervous; because nervousness was a wasteful emotion that wasn't of any use to anyone. It wasn't the work; it was the disconnection. She was on the outside looking in, due to her absence; that was not a position she was fond of or familiar with. The soundtrack of the Bureau played and she was out of tune. Lying in bed for 14 hours a day had given her some clarity; she dedicated her life to being an Agent because at first she had nothing else to hold on to. So it was an anchor that held her down and gave her purpose. But the emptiness of unfulfilment was still there. In every bust, every car chase, every escape of death; no adrenaline rush could solve that.

Something told her that her heart wasn't in it anymore. She knew where home was and felt like there was a place to lay her baggage; instead of being the carrier. Besides; her heart was somewhere else. She felt like a new woman and wondered if it showed. Finally, there was something that had more of her commitment than work. It was times like this when she wondered what it was like to have a functional family to she could call and tell how much she was in love with Antonio. Her mother was only a drive away yet she refrained from calling. Let alone seeing Jasmine face to face. It was envy that kept her away; the idea that someone else was getting what she deserved and; what was stolen from her the night her mother took the law into her own hands. If her mother would take their relationship in her hands then maybe she could save it. Nicole wouldn't be the one to; she knew better than to save something that was already dying. Or nearly dead. On the flipside of her envy was her concern.

The Gavensale community was suburban and gated. What appeared to be an exclusive "O.C." of Washington was actually a collective of rehabilitation and Witness Protection homes. Gavensale was a town like any other; except there were no telephones, no Internet and no post. It was cut off from the outside world. Young children played, unknowingly, at the local schools; but these were no cookie-cutting mothers. Wives of America's most wanted felons, families of informants who had testified in the biggest cases in the country and Politicians' children and other recovering addicts.

Adults went to work. Children went to school. Old people sat in disapproval of the world. It was the closest thing to normal but not normal at all. This was the price that some people paid for protection. Their lives. Nicole knocked on the heavy wooden door of a three–storey Victorian home. The brass door knocker was shaped like a lion.

"Who is it?" A voice asked as the camera over the front door zoomed into Nicole's face.

"It's Agent Nicole Scott. Special Agent for the F.B.I."

Nicole held her pass up to the camera then put it through the letterbox. She took off her shoes and rolled up her trouser legs. Slid her jacket through the covert cat flap that was never used. They weren't allowed pets. The door opened. Nicole walked through the metal detector and collected her things.

Nicole sat across from Erica at the dining room table. Erica pushed her plate forward.

"She's been having trouble keeping it down." Agent Thanh Lei-Huynh of the Department of Witness Protection Services informed Nicole.

"I hate beets." Erica said. "I'm not anorexic."

Nicole smiled. "Can we talk?" She asked Erica, who shrugged her shoulders. Agent Lei-Huynh left the dining room.

"I'm sorry about your parents but it's…"

"Not your fault." Erica interrupted, repeated the speech verbatim. "You are not to blame. There are some cruel people in this world and they will be brought to justice. It's just a shame that you parents had to DIE for that to HAPPEN!" Erica threw the plate into a wall and broke it. Nicole watched in silence for thirty minutes as Erica's face went from beet-red back to pale white.

"Well, since you don't like beets. Maybe we could get a burger nearby." Nicole suggested.

"Why?" Erica asked.

Nicole had learnt that confessions are icebreakers. "Look. Between us; my mother had a hit put on my father when I was a kid. So I understand,"

"No-one understands." Erica stated cynically.

"I promise you; no more pitiful speeches. I'm hungry and I know you can't stand being cooped up in here."

"They don't let us go anywhere. Or do anything."

"I'm Nicole Scott and I do anything I damn well please."

At the diner, Nicole learnt that coercing a teenager was akin to shooting hoops with Shaq. They play to win. Besides that, she was getting used to Erica's whining tone.

"It's like the Truman Show. No freedom of expression. It's like jail," Erica described Gavensale.

"Then you haven't been to jail." Nicole joked.

"Have you?"

Nicole thought back to the cosmetic surgery incident in Budapest. "Once. In Romania. It was an accident."

"That's what they all say. So are you taking me home?" Erica asked in a demanding way.

"Erica!"

"Where are my manners? So _ma'am_, _may_ you take me home, _please_?"

Nicole laughed at her irreverent humour. "I never make a promise that I can't keep. I'm working on it. You have to stay strong."

"Just because I hated my parents, it doesn't mean I didn't love them. Everyone hates their parents." _That, I can understand, _Nicole thought.

Antonio was alone in the cold, sterile and grey Forensics lab. A place feared by many for its corporeal scent and an undisclosed number of dead bodies, was his favourite place. He was dissecting the last part of the Jones' bodies. The remains were lowered into the ground while Nicole was in A&E. Pieces of the bullets were under the magnifier, coated by rotten flesh. By the time Nicole returned, he had made a shocking discovery. The bullets used were not made of lead; instead it was a metal alloy that could shatter under the heat pressure inside the body, causing tetanus. It came of no surprise to Nicole who sat down and readjusted her suit. Antonio tried to provoke a reaction.

"_You _came close." He said, but Nicole dismissed his warning.

"Please; I'm made of steel."

"But you're not invincible. None of us are."

"If you're worried about losing me, you never will."

Antonio exhaled with frustration and disbelief; those were the emotions he was caught between lately. Frustration over his domestic situation and disbelief in the reassuring words that Nicole would say. At least forensics was straightforward. The truth had no surprise elements. Antonio was painfully thorough; he had never let a sleeping dog lie in all his years in the Bureau. Nicole knew this, and offered an explanation to her abrupt exit that morning.

"All I know is change." Nicole explained. "My mother has knocked me for six this time and I'm trying to readjust."

"You're her sacrificial lamb, again."

"She's my mother. I want to save my family."

"Then save us. I'm your family. Nicole, she played house for 16 years without you."

Nicole sniffed. "You need to get back to those bullets instead of aiming them at me."

"I'm not against you. Purge your guilt. You're. Not. Like. Her."

The sound of patent leather squeaking against the floor filled the room. Pollock had entered and rendered them speechless.

"Agents? I noticed an abrupt halt to your conversation. What don't you want me to hear?"

"Chess. Agent Cortez was telling me about ways to defeat the opponent."

"My personal favourite is Killing the King, it puts an abrupt _end_ to the game." Cortez hinted towards Nicole.

"It's called _checkmate_, Cortez." Pollock corrected.

Nicole looked away. Antonio stared Pollock in the eyes. "Yes. Eliminating the opposition will clear the way for Bishop and the Queen. The King dies; but they're still standing."

"In whose court?" Pollock asked, already aware of the undertone.

"Sensei's." Nicole interrupted. "The order will be restored. Every piece in its place."

"That's a promise." Pollock reminded her. "Then the Sensei is blind."

Pollock's mandate put Nicole and Antonio in a superior yet problematic position. Being granted the ability to _do_ anything also meant you could _be_ anyone. Even if it went against everything you stood for. Caught between indulgence and morality, they looked for a solution that wouldn't leave them with blood on their hands. It was one thing to kill; but murder would send them into a different stratosphere.

"Are we selfishly framing Darnell?" Nicole asked, echoing the conflict of her conscience.

"No, this is convenient justice." Antonio explained. "One less drug dealer on the streets. The ends justify the means."

"I feel _so_ much better." Nicole said sarcastically.

"That's how you deserve to feel."

"I know. I can't take the pressure of not knowing if it will work out."

"Nic, let go. Hold on to me; I'm wide open."

"So why haven't you proposed to me?"

"I recall you saying No the last time."

"Quitters never win."

"We _are_ married; living together, fighting."

"No. I want a ring. And a dress. And a bridal shower where my single friends resent me."

"Where do I fit in?"

"If you insist; I guess you can come." They laugh.

"If _you_ insist I'll take you to meet my grandparents once this is over. Habián oido mucho sobre ti y no pueden esperar." Antonio said, testing whether Nicole remembered the Spanish he taught her in Phoenix. "They want to meet the woman who broke my heart in Phoenix and made me move back home."

"Good. I can't wait either."

Nicole pulled a shoebox out from under the bed and went through her diary.

"I knew it. This Saturday."

"That's what we told the DEA. They have every E. Ness on this case."

"I have a birthday party to go to."

"Whose? Nicole, this is the D-day…"

"My god kids need me. I told Janice that I'd come."

"Pollock's kids?"

"Naturally. They were the first happily married couple I ever knew."

"So why are they separated?"

"She wants him to be less absent."

Antonio stared at Nicole.

"Oh, enough said." she said on reflection. "If he would apologise; she'd forgive him."

"Sure." He replied, sceptical that any woman would be so forgiving. "What else do you keep in that diary?"

"Important dates. When Kelly had her son. The day I met you. That night that Jess took a bullet for me. Good times,"

"For an Agent. The first day we met you called me Tony, I'll never forget the look on your face when I tried to correct you. I tried everything; talking about guns, music, family and even…him. You wouldn't let me in."

"My job was to obtain more information than I gave."

"You were cold. When I told you that story about the guy and the gun; that was the first time I saw you laugh. Remember?"

"Yeah. I wasn't used to guys talking to me like a human being. Every guy I knew was trying to bone me. That day marked a change in my mentality. That I could go out to dinner without being the dessert. That I could be the woman on a man's arm; not just some bitch being yelled at in the car. I want to Jasmine to know that but I'm not her mother. I have to trust my mother to do the right thing. So do you."

"I'll try. I remember the day we first had sex, it was a sunny day; 84 degrees, cumulus clouds…"

"Goodnight, Antonio."


	10. The Naked truth

Nicole, Jess, Jack and Antonio retreated to a comedy club after 18 hours of constructing their bullet proof plan. It was Friday night and there were couples everywhere. Nicole and Jess joked that this was the compulsory couple season; everyone either had a partner or was recruiting someone to spend the impending months of winter with.

The décor was warm and inviting, the carved wooden walls and dim lighting put them in another decade. Portraits of the jazz greats graced the walls, coupled with contemporary comedians. Their table was to the left of the stage. Jess flirted with Jack as if they were in their own world. Nicole shared Antonio's glass of wine. Looking at him with bedroom eyes. Her look changed drastically from sensuality to shock when Bill Bellamy took centre-stage to a voluminous round of applause. Cat calls came from the groupies; it sounded like an all female construction site.

"Are you alright?"Antonio asked. Nicole downed the glass of wine at once and smiled reassuringly. Bill's 45 minute set was well received. Although as time progressed, Jack and Jess realised more and more that they were two of the few white people at the club. His repertoire covered celebrities, politics and relationships. Every now and then he would glance at their table. Antonio laughed obliviously as Nicole's stomach turned with discomfort. The side-splitting experience turned sour when Bill started to greet the fans- starting with their table.

"Nikki, I'm sorry _Nicole_. Long time no see." Nicole gave him her firm, impersonal handshake.

"Yeah." Nicole's short reply came from the awkwardness when Bill tried to kiss her hand. She smoothly pulled her hand away.

"These are my friends, Jess and Jack." The newly-titled goofiest fans in the world, smiled with eagerness.

"And this, this is my man." Nicole announced, relieved that she could nip this one in the bud. She watched the love of her life shake hands with her former lover.

"You're a lucky man." Bill remarked as he mentally "male-gazed" at Nicole's body.

Antonio held her a little tighter around her waist. "Don't I know it."

Jess and Jack took over the talking to Nicole's pleasure and Antonio gave her a look that showed it wasn't over. She picked up her coat and left prematurely, pre-empting the following argument in the car.

"What was that?" Antonio asked, startling the driver.

"I didn't know he would be there."

"You never told me you dated Bill Bellamy!"

"Would Steve Harvey be better? How about Chris Rock? Or Cedric? We both know it's the _what_ not the _who_ that's eating you." Nicole remarked, knowing that their evening would be anything but peaceful.

"Fine. Did you have sex with him?" The driver coughed at the crudity of Antonio's question.

"You always take it there. But you can't handle it. That's why the ex-files should be left alone."

"So he's an ex?" Antonio's questions came out as indictments.

"Yes. In short; I was in Atlanta living with Kelly. We met, we dated, and we parted on good terms."

"So it was a rebound relationship."

"That's better than a rebound marriage…" Nicole paused at the severity of her statement.

To the driver's disappointment; no more words were spoken until they returned home.

The door slammed shut behind them on entry. A picture on the wall of the happy couple shook and fell to the ground.

"You're overreacting." Nicole called after him. "Doing push-ups won't solve this."

Antonio leant against the wall in their kitchen. Nicole sat on the counter. Antonio was imploding, she tried to explain.

"He was a friend of mine. Not that it makes a difference. We have to get over your paranoia of my cheating on you. It doesn't matter who we knew in the past; or who we were. We can't let the past hold us prisoner."

She left the room out of his lack of responsiveness. As she was washing off her make-up, the door swung open. They were looking at each other through their reflections in the mirror. The layers were coming off of her face and going down the drain.

"This is how I feel when I'm with you," she said to his reflection. "No cover-ups, no concealers. Just the truth. And the truth is I love you."

Antonio took off his shirt. Three minutes later, he was naked.

"This is how I feel when I'm with you." He told her reflection. Nicole stripped down until her only clothing was her skin. She wrapped her arms around him from behind and stared at their mirrored image.

In the greater depths of their relationship, lied the powerful metalanguage that existed between them. The words unspoken and the deeds undone were understood. The acting out on the surface was just for show, the intangible bond kept them together. Sometimes the suppression was expressed through sex; the one place where human inhibition could be lost. But this was no indiscriminate sex romp or make-up sex; this was the expression of their inner fear. Tomorrow was Saturday and this may be their last time. Nicole could feel that angst as she dug her fingers into his back; she was clinging. Holding on for life. His kisses were longer-lasting, his strokes felt ten feet deep. The warmth of their bodies was their security blanket.

Their nudity was physical and emotional. Every part of her body responded to his touch and she was craving the climax because it provided immunity from the doubt. The doubt of tomorrow and whose doomsday it would be. As his tongue danced in her mouth, their life and times flashed through her eyes. This intense, pleasurable feeling brought on a poignant memory of the moment she knew she was in love with him.

It was 2.30 a.m. and their surveillance shift was over. Sitting in the car at a drive-in movie where Sadé's Smooth Operator was playing. The seats were reclined and the jet black sky was overhead. Nicole was wearing black sunglasses. She started to fall asleep. She felt three fingers on her face, stroking her face when she woke up.

"Wha…?" Nicole asked, forgetting were she was. She felt her face and saw the sunglasses on the headboard. She was embarrassed.

"You're too beautiful to hide." Antonio said, "You don't deserve to have a reason to wear them." Antonio was referring to her black eye, a gift Darnell had given her earlier that week. Her head was on his chest and she had the most peaceful sleep of her life.

He still had that calming effect on her. But it wasn't working now as they were yelling obscenities and the bedpost was repeatedly hitting the wall. It was times like this that made her happy to be alive. Times when sex and love merged together and their physical space showed no separation. At the point of climax, she knew that it was one thing to make love and another to feel loved; luckily she had both.


	11. Nerve, Naivete and Innocence

The notion of spending any time with Pollock outside of work both perplexed and intimidated Antonio. Therefore watching Nicole exchange interior décor tips with Janice, and Pollock having a water fight with the kids made him feel as though he was in a parallel universe. What startled him the most was Nicole's ease when it came to handling kids.

"Come outside," she said, interrupting his thoughts, "we're taking pictures."

Antonio's bemusement masked itself in the car as he explained Jess and Jack's encounter with Darnell.

"The good news is; he confirmed the deal for 100 Magnum Colt Anaconda Revolvers. The bad news is; his warehouse in Caroline was raided this morning and it made the 9a.m. news. 18 arrests, 2 dead. According to Jess, he became paranoid that they were cops so he made her shoot."

"Did she miss?" Nicole asked, trying to stop her hands from shaking.

"Three out of ten; she didn't want to look like a pro or a novice. The deal goes ahead tonight at the Plaza Hotel, 3rd floor Penthouse suite. He's throwing a party to celebrate getting off." Nicole shook her head in response.

"He's a drugs kingpin, he'll never spend more than one night in jail. The cops, the runners, the accountants; state-wide protection. Cally will never testify against him because she's been sectioned as mentally ill, and if she could; he'd kill her. Anyway, I need you to get Jasmine's laptop and retrieve the data; I think it's a tracking device or it self-destructs. Maybe both."

"He wants to kill Jasmine." Antonio said, finally realising how high the stakes were. He let Nicole out of the car and anxiously anticipated the forthcoming events.

Nicole watched the penthouse suite from a covert FBI office in the adjacent block. It was her idea to bug the walls and to place cameras in the air vents. When it came to order, Darnell was OCD. She was watching four screens at a time and switching between the sound channels. The generic contents of a commercial rap video were displayed on the screen; scantily-clad women were at disposal and champagne flowed like a river. Darnell was toasting a room of mostly women with champagne and his authoritative voice penetrated through the headphones. She remembered how his menacing voice used to put her on edge, he sounded like a psychopath, a second from snapping. That and the mind games he used to manipulate her with kept her faithful. He was grooming, he just wasn't a paedophile. Or so she thought.

Nicole was so taken aback that she started hyperventilating and speed dialled Antonio.

"Cortez," Antonio said, followed by an unusually long silence. Nicole was trying to breathe in the background.

"Ant…Ant…" She stuttered.

"Nicole! What's…? You were right about the laptop. You won't believe what I've retrieved and…Nicole?"

"He's got her!" She gasped. "The suite; she's there, I saw her walk in. All this time it wasn't Caroline in the chats, it was Darnell. He's been grooming my kid sister. Antonio, do something!" She pleaded.

"Nic, I know it's hard but keep watching. Jess is heading there now, I'll get her to…"

"She can't. That'll blow it."

"I'll get her."

"No, he'll recognise you. I shot you, remember? Think, Nicole, think. In Jess' vision, she couldn't solve it."

"He will kill you; you're not going." Antonio stated.

"I made this. He's using her as bait for me. I'm the one he wants."

"He wants you _dead_. Jesus Christ Nicole, don't ruin what we have!" Antonio shouted, as the feeling that he was losing her returned.

"Meet me. I'm at the old, vacant Portuguese Café, Daniela's."

Nicole was treading the sidewalk by the time she had said her last sentence. She was a woman on a personal mission; full of purpose and unstoppable.

Unaware of Nicole's discovery, Jess and Jack were revelling with Darnell's entourage of co-conspirators as well as the various hangers-on. Jess was looked for Darnell when she bumped into an overdressed teenage girl.

"Watch the outfit!" The girl said in annoyance. Jess recognised her soulful and concealing brown eyes from the pictures Nina has shown her while Nicole was in the hospital. She knew it was Jasmine but her common sense told her not to keep a long glance or acknowledge her.

"Listen kid, shouldn't you be in the bathroom puking up the booze you can't keep down?" This one-liner rolled out of Jess' mouth without thought. She quickly walked away. On her return she caught Jack getting a lap dance from an anonymous woman with cosmetically enlarged boobs. Jack wore an expression that said he wasn't enjoying it but was doing it to blend in.

Jess led him angrily by the tie into the master bedroom where Darnell was waiting on a plush, red satin loveseat. Jasmine was uncomfortably sitting on the other end of it. Jess tried to read whether her discomfort came from Darnell's presence or the stilettos she wasn't skilled at wearing.

"Let's talk." Darnell ordered, inviting them to sit on the wooden chairs across from him.

Nicole was in the locked hotel staff changing room, dressed as a maid and reading the maps when Pollock called her.

"Daniela's!" Nicole said in an inviting tone.

"Is not where you are, right now." Pollock replied. "You know, the kids were asking where you went and how come you didn't stay for cake."

"I'm coming to get that cake."

"You better. Nina called; her daughter's missing. I have 25 hyperactive kids to deal with, go,"

"…find the 26th. I will."

Darnell was walking around the master's suite with the arrogance of a king. While pouring himself a drink from the decanter she announced,

"I've been doing my research. Either you're two opportunistic nobodies who don't know what you're getting into or, you're cops trying to get to me from the inside. Either way, I don't fault you. We've all got to get ahead."

The double of port disappeared on his lips. Jack watched Jasmine trying to fall asleep.

"Put the kid in a cab." Jack said, noticed that she was half drunk.

"She stays. What did you come here for, little one?" Darnell asked, pointing the bottle at her.

"Food." Jasmine replied through a controlled, quiet yawn.

Antonio found the screens still on but the room cold and empty. There was no element of surprise because he expected Nicole to go into Wonderwoman mode. He found a note on the stool.

"I'll be back.

For life.

I promise.

P.S. If it gets hot – open fire."

He watched Darnell command their attention like a thespian as he told a tale of betrayal. Nicole's past was laid out as bare as cards on a table to three prefect strangers. The only concealment was that he didn't mention her name. The tension grew on the inside as Jess struggled to show no signs and, on the outside Antonio as came to the realisation that it never stops.

"That was a great story," Jess yawned. "But everyone knows that there's no betrayal without loyalty." She stood up and poured from the decanter.

Darnell smiled. "There is no loyalty."

"Betrayal is broken loyalty. Loyalty is the will to not betray. I'd love to philosophise with you - after the fact."

"Ooh, enthusiastic?" Darnell asked, standing behind her. Jack pulled Jess away and the glass fell on the floor.

"We're about business." Jack stated, squaring up to Darnell.

Jess went into the bathroom. She unscrewed the nails to the air vent and felt around for the gun. The music was blaring and drowned out the sound of the metal grate on the bathroom tiles. She returned to Darnell and Jack smoking cigars and playing cards with an open briefcase on the table.

"Is everybody happy?" Jess asked as she sat on Jack's lap.

"Very." Both men remarked.

"Good." Jess replied.

"Pleasure doing business with you." Jack stood up and said, holding out his hand. As Darnell shook it, Jess held a gun to his head.

"What the fuck?" he exclaimed.

Jasmine sat dumbfounded and paralysed. "Get out. Get out now." Jess yelled. When Jack picked Jasmine up and pushed her out the door, she was already running.

Random shots fired by Jack left the suite bear, as people scattered in fear. Darnell screamed as he grabbed Jess' neck. She knows she can't shoot him. Her vision told her that she's not the one. "Shit!" He exclaimed after Jess drove the gun into his stomach and kicked him into the wall.

"I knew you were a cop." He was slumped against the wall. "Lucky for you. I would've had you tonight. My way of sealing the deal." Jess' fist struck his jaw with such force that she could feel the swelling long before it appeared.

"Selling cocaine to a teenage girl; is that loyalty?" Jess asked. "Selling defective guns that explode in peoples' hands. Drugs, fraud, corruption, extortion, prostitution. Supplying minors with illegal substances. The courts will have a field day."

"Ask yourself this question. You're a cop with all this information on me; still I'm free. Why is that? Billions of dollars and you can't even keep me in jail. So keep adding to the list because I'm not going anywhere."

Jess wanted to cry in frustration, believing in part that he was right.

"I can't arrest you."

"You don't have a warrant. Amateur."

"I do. But it's not my place."

The bathroom door swung open. Nicole was standing in her maid uniform.

"Room service." Her voice sang. Jess joined Jack in collecting evidence.

"All this. For me?" Nicole asked.

"I knew you would come. Your superhero complex never fails you."

"Very eloquently said Darnell." Nicole remarked. "How did you find her?"

"Funny you should ask. I have associates in Scottsdale; that young, suburban crowd makes for interesting clientele. Desperate to rebel. Solid financial background. I like to do background research. At first she was just a customer. But her DNA made her interesting."

Nicole's insides were turning. "The ultimate blow. You had to strike me."

"Betrayal, Nikki, breeds resentment. You killed my child."

"You killed us both. And you're still killing others. You've outdone yourself. And you'll get off. I accept that. But know this. You won't kill me."

She picked the gun off the floor and placed it in his hands. Darnell smiled then laughed. He stared her in the eyes and lifted the gun, stroking the trigger. Nicole sat on the bed, taking the situation in. The gun was pointed in her direction but she sat up straight; making herself a clear target. Jess ran to the bedroom as she heard the loudest gunshot of her life.

"Nicole!" Jess exclaimed.

Jess and Jack hurried out of the hotel together. Nicole took her time and strolled onto the sidewalk in her stolen maid uniform. The night had never been so cold. The bright streetlights gave her a nauseous feeling. Antonio was waiting by the car holding a gadget which she couldn't pronounce the name of. She held him tight and kissed him in front of everyone.

"Get a room!" Jess shouted threw the car window as Jack and she reversed.

Nicole lifted the maid's dress over her head as she took it off. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her eyes said a thousand things that her mind hadn't come to terms with and her lips were unable to speak of. She couldn't deal with her reflection tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Antonio massaged her back as she lay on their bed.

"I don't want to talk tonight." Nicole whispered.

"Don't." He replied, playing the messages on the answer machine.

"There's a slice of Birthday cake with your name all over it, Scott." Pollock's voice made Nicole smile.

"Is this on? Am I recording? I guess I am. Thank you." The short and abrupt message was from her mother, she knew it.

"Join me for breakfast tomorrow morning? Brunch if it's better. We could have a coffee and drink a conversation. And, thank you Antonio for bringing my girls home. Both of them." A comfortable silence filled the room, a pensive silence. Nicole sat up and held his hands, giving him a grateful kiss. Their picture hung on the wall in a new frame. Imperfect but parallel; they were together again.


	12. Renaissance

Before the trigger was pulled Nicole was submerged in the most deafening silence of her life. Afterwards, the explosion pounded her eardrums in a painful contrast. The shock of his image rendered her speechless and horrified. His head was blown open; leaving pink flesh exposed. The blood seeped into the cream mink carpet making a growing crimson puddle three feet away from the bed. At first, she though he was bluffing when he held the sun to his head. She was waiting for his aim with seven recovery positions in mind. Their eyes met and locked in a hard gaze.

She couldn't recognise the person behind them; he was no longer the teenage delinquent whose fearlessness she admired. There was no misunderstood quality she could look past and love. Just hate. Pure, unadulterated hate. The slight smile and cold laugh her let out, shook her insides. Nicole's prophecy was self-fulfilling. He didn't kill her. He killed himself; right in front of her face. Filling her with more terror than Darnell could ever extract from her, dead or alive, was her lack of remorse or compassion. There was nothing. Just a numbness that was stronger than procaine and caused her to stand up straight, put on latex gloves and bags the weapon. This is what Pollock meant by ignoring feelings. It was something other than human.

The anxiety and pent-up emotions spilled from her mouth as she vomited profusely. Her throat felt like sandpaper and her eyes were sore, but there were no tears. She sat on the edge of the bath, dabbing a wet cloth on her forehead. The hinges squeaked as she went back to bed but she couldn't sleep from the fear of seeing his face. Her fear was filling her mind with thoughts of the case. The names, faces, places and events became one connected and ordered story which Nicole analysed on Antonio's laptop. Her nervous energy was being displaced onto a task she was compelled to complete.

Darnell came out of jail and found Warren Hutt a free man. Instead of exerting revenge; they went into business together; buying guns from Eastern Europe and selling them on the black market. Crossed a second time, Darnell discovered that Hutt was still pushing drugs; this time through his mechanic garage "The Hutthouse," and excluding Darnell from the deals. In a heated discussion at Hutt's four-storey, suburban complex, the pairing separated. That night Erica was sleeping over while her parents went to a retreat. Looking for painkillers in the medicine cabinet, she found 5 grams on cocaine hidden in an otherwise empty aspirin box and took her findings home. The reserved freshman became a popular and outgoing sophomore as her cocaine magnet attracted friends. As Darnell moved into the suburban teen market, he profited from their powder thin rebellion.

"What are you doing?" Antonio asked.

"Solving the case."

"You need sleep."

"I'm fine."

"You're in denial. Somewhere you're hurt."

Nicole stopped typing and turned towards him. Her animate hands were shaking and her facial expression, frozen.

"I didn't kill him." Nicole whispered through the lump in her throat as she sat on the edge of the bed.

"I know." Antonio said, drawing her closer.

"I'm not like my mother." Nicole's expression was an epiphany that brought her to silent tears, falling down Antonio's shoulder.

"Not even close."

"I envied Jasmine. Now there's just pity."

"She'll save herself one day. Everyone has to learn right?"

"Right. But that's her daughter. Why can't she love her?"

Nicole's spoken question was one she had asked herself for the past three decades. Antonio looked for a way to make Nicole understand that a mother's love, on its own, is never enough. That love is stated by words and deeds, but only proved when they mirror each other. That watching her endure this domestic war and still have the capacity to love gave him faith in their future and the courage to try again. But he couldn't find them.

Nicole exhaled heavily. "I don't expect her to love me. I thought that this case could make her, but I shouldn't be selfish."

"That's not selfish." Antonio argued.

"It is. You love me more than I understand. I don't want for anything." Nicole declared.

"Don't give them up for me. That's not what I meant." Antonio said guiltily.

"I'm not, but _we_ come first. We deserve to be happy, right?"

"Right. That's why you have to go to brunch with your mother." Antonio told Nicole's questioning face. "Sunday's family day; that's the way I grew up. I'll brief Pollock; once Hutt hears about the death of the competition he'll be waiting for us to arrive."

"Because he's innocent."

"Of this. So go and be honest with her. And yourself."

Nicole uneasily greeted her mother with Antonio's words ringing in her ears. She chose the venue; the Burnt Orange café had enough people for them to talk without being heard. Her hug was a stiff embrace as if her arms couldn't lay flat, her mother's grip was tight and close. The waiter came to take their order.

"I'll have the scrambled eggs. Three egg whites, one yolk." Her grumbling stomach reminded her that she hadn't eaten since Friday night.

"Pancakes, please."

"With cinnamon." Nicole interrupted.

The waiter left them alone.

"You remember that?" Nina asked.

"Just a sensory memory." Nicole replied, avoiding eye contact.

"I apologise; I should have been honest with Jasmine and told her about you…"

Nicole shrugged her shoulders, reverting back to her adolescent defence mechanism.

"…I want you understand that I'm not ashamed of you. Actually, I'm proud beyond words. I'm only ashamed of what I put you through." Nina admitted.

Nicole's eyes danced from picture to picture on the walls because she couldn't respond. Her mother's presence had rendered her speechless because nothing ever made sense. Not even her explanations.

"After Antonio brought her home, I explained everything. As well as I could. I learned some things I'm having trouble digesting. You know, Jasmine acts out because she feels I don't love her enough. She told me that. And when I told her about you; she wasn't surprised at all. You both have my heart in different ways."

Nina found Nicole's irresponsiveness difficult to read, she dominated the conversation out of anxiety.

"I'm happy for you, you have someone who loves you and shows it. I know I've been wrong but you came out right. Look at you." Nicole's hands were shaking underneath the table. Nina teared up while Nicole asked herself why she was crying. The waiter served their late breakfast. Nicole moved her food around the plate; the thought of food gave her a nauseous feeling. Nina ate obliviously.

"Why did you have my dad killed?" Nicole asked abruptly, making eye contact for the first time.

"I was a coward. A strong woman walks away."

"Thank you for being honest."

"Please understand that we're very different women. Different lives, different times, different men,"

"Different values." Nicole replied with a cold harshness. "I don't understand. I never do when I'm with you. It hurts me." Nina dropped her fork.

"I'm sorry but you have to admit that it's hard for me too when you're judging me like this."

"I'm not judging you. I only asked a question." Nicole's voice cracked mid-sentence.

"I've changed. I have a new life."

"I know. I was written out of it, remember? I didn't fit until this Monday when you needed something."

"This is what I mean. This constant scrutiny. Fine, I'm a bad mother. Is that better?"

They sat in a tension-heavy silence on which Nicole shed some peace.

"You're my mother and for that I'll always love you. Though I can't afford to need you,"

"Because it hurts," Nina replied.

"Yes."

"You've suffered enough Nicole. Be happy, you deserve it."

Nicole drove Nina home ruled by outward cordiality and an inner want to spend more time with her. Even if it was superficial.

"James always asked what I wanted to know about you."

"There's a lot to know."

"I've got it down to three things. How are you? What's your favourite song? And, what do you love to do? You can tell a lot about a person by which song they connect to."

"I'm…coping. My favourite song is Fairy Tales – Anita Baker. And," Nicole laughed to herself. "Though it sounds crude, my favourite thing to do is Antonio."

"She smiles!" Nina exclaimed, laughing to herself.

Nicole pulled up in front of the Egans three-storey home.

"And you?"

"I'm…optimistic. I love to speak to my daughters."

"Your song?" Nicole asked.

"Ask Antonio." Nina replied with a genuine smile. "You're welcome."

"Oh, I can't. Not today."

"Well, you're always welcome. Don't be a stranger."

"I won't. Can I hold your hand?" Nicole's childlike request was granted. "I just wanted to know what that would feel like."

"It's okay." Nina embraced her daughter in the most sentimental yet suffocating way. Her bear hug was overwhelming as though she was making up for every hug Nicole ever went without.

Pollock called her on her way home.

"I need a search warrant for the Hutthouse and those high-school lockers. High school was the playhouse in Jess' visions. I'm sure that Erica and or Jasmine keep their stashes there especially since Jasmine was getting cocaine for free from Darnell and Erica steals it from _her dear uncle_."

"Very good Agent. Mastriani will go to St. Mary's for the arrest and Cortez leads the high school search. The powers that be have dictated that the DEA will conduct the _Hellhole_ search."

"Haven't you forgotten someone?"

"Oh yes, _I_ will have the pleasure of interrogating Hutt, Jones and Egans."

"And I…"

"…will sit in your office, eating two-day-old birthday cake, pretending that you didn't have a hand in this case beyond the administrative duties of an Agent on medical leave. Silent glory is the mark of a great victory, Agent."

"Thanks, sir. By the way, Sunday's family day."

"Thank you, Agent." She felt the warm sensation of proving her superior wrong moving through her as she called Jess.

"I'm ten minutes away, if Jack's not there."

"He's not." Jess stated abruptly. "See you in ten."

"What happened?" Nicole asked as she reclined on Jess' sofa, taking the advice of making herself welcome to heart.

"He went back to Indiana; he just wanted in on the action."

"Is that alright?" Nicole enquired, wondering how much damage control was needed, if any.

"I'm relieved, partially. I got what I wanted. There's not much more to it." Jess replied with a mature, cynical undertone.

"Was it worth it?"

"For what it was; which wasn't much. Enough about me; Clash of the Titans or the Treaty of Versailles?"

"A bit of both. She said Antonio knows her favourite song. How weird is that?"

"They crossed paths at the hospital. Come to think of it, it's a great song."

"Care to tell me what it is?" Her facial expression read impatience.

"No. You have to go home for that."

"I'm sensing some hostility on your part. Is this about the lap dance?"

"Yes." Jess stated through gritted teeth.

"I don't think it's a big deal."

"I was disrespected."

"No, you're only angry because your week-long Sexapalooza is over and you're frustrated. I thought you had an agreement. Come on, you don't love him. He was a pit stop; now get in your car and keep rolling."

Steam and water clouded the body of her lover and she was the eager, quiet spectator. Her eyes admired the definition in the man, her heart knew the definition of him. He invited her in but she declined. Instead, she lit some candles, pushed the sofa backwards and laid down some blankets and pillows. The lights were turned down low and Sports Centre provided the soundtrack.

Her kisses followed where her hands led. Her fingers traced paths over his skin, like love's mark embossed in his soul.

"How was it?" he asked, caught between the best of both worlds; massaged by the love of his life and watching his team play in the final four.

"Good for me. What's the song?"

"Your middle name."

"Simone. And?"

"She told me, if you listen you hear the joy that comes from every beautiful thing. That's what you are to her; a new dawn, new day, new life,"

"'I'm feeling good' is her song? Wow."

"She named you Simone so one day you could appreciate it."

"All this time I thought my dad's name was Simon."

"So Nicole Simone Scott what about us?"

"It's a new day."

"No ex-boyfriends."

"No ex-wives."

"Three storeys with a basement and a barbecue,"

"A Jacuzzi, a pool and a walk-in closet."

"A driveway."

"A white-picket fence."

"And a nursery; wishful thinking."

"Wishful thinking."


	13. Embrace and Change

Nicole submitted to the tedium of writing the case report and evaluated the past three weeks. So many lives were intertwined by actions that would have lasting effects. Jasmine's loneliness was once soothed by cocaine and the male company of a voluntary, ill-intentioned mentor; but now she was heading to a rehabilitation centre for her drug use and depression. Erica was a pawn in a war between her uncle and his arch nemesis that ended in death. Her mother was left restoring the harmony in her home and bridging the gap between Jasmine and her heartbroken father. And Nicole; she was forever changed.

It wasn't the silent glory of disbanding a million-dollar operation which facilitated teenage ruin that relieved her, it was the satisfaction of knowing there's always hope.

Hope for the high-schoolers who spent hours and brain cells escaping from their worlds, hope for Erica and Jasmine to find something real, and hope for herself and her future with Antonio. Her thoughts were interrupted by a loud knock on the door. Pollock entered and took a seat without his usual grandeur, with a humility that was subtle and, surprisingly calm.

"Sir?" Nicole put the documents to the side.

"I came for the file Agent." Pollock said unconvincingly.

"You didn't, _John_. You came to talk about Antonio and I."

"Right."

"I love him you know," Nicole declared.

"That I do." Pollock replied.

"And this case is about love. Lack of love, loss of love, familial love,"

"…avenging grudges with past loves."

"Exactly. But we're fortunate, you and I. We're loved unconditionally despite our ambivalence and pride."

"That's true, _Nicole_. Honouring our commitments…is trying. Especially when it seems your reach is further than your grasp."

"Maybe we're reaching out to the wrong things. Things we can't grasp."

"Instead of holding on to those we can. Yesterday I held on to Janice. She talked, I listened."

Nicole laughed in response. "You're a lucky man."

"Thank you Nicole."

"Anytime, John."

Nicole found Jess alone in the dimly-lit bullpen.

"What's up Jess?" Nicole put her hand on her shoulder.

"Nothing. Just thinking. You're holding up really well. Considering." Jess commented.

"I'm afraid."

"Nic, she'll be fine."

"Not about Jasmine."

"Antonio?"

Nicole nodded. "When I said no in Phoenix, he left me. Then he married Anna and she's perfect. I'm just me."

"That's crazy talk. He told me…" Jess stopped before she betrayed his confidence.

"Told you what?" Nicole demanded impatiently.

"I can't." Jess stated adamantly. "Remember my vision?"

"Enough with the fish dreams Mastriani." Nicole warned.

"My vision about Antonio, the scythe and the blown up car."

Nicole recalled the phone call of warning Jess gave her, which led to Antonio's life being saved. Jess picked up her folder.

"Go to Texas."

Anxiety and excitement took turns at possessing Nicole's mind. She was anticipating meeting the faces to the stories she'd been told. They knew him better than she did. Part of her wanted their approval not for herself but for Antonio's sake.

"Are you alright?" Antonio asked.

"Nervous."

"They'll love you."

Those words rang in her head as she was introduced to unfamiliar faces. Antonio's grandmother's standoffish greeting contrasted his grandfather's warm welcome. Nicole found relief when she recognised Antonio's elder brother Ramón; she had met him in Phoenix on one of his road trips.

"Ramón! How long has it been?"

"Too long," He replied, giving her a hug. He introduced his wife Marisol and her teenage daughter Estrella.

"You still riding?" Nicole asked.

"He wouldn't dare. He has a family to think about." Marisol answered. "Nicole, lunch is ready. The guys will take care of the bags." Nicole had a feeling she liked her already.

Nicole found his family to be a jovial people, but the shrines of achievement that plastered the walls were slightly disturbing. Every graduation, baptism, wedding, award and accolade was charted in some form or other. Clearly family, not just Catholicism, was their first religion. On the surface she fit in; her knowledge of sports and cars went down well with the men. As usual, women proved to be more difficult to get along with. Antonio came from a family of principled, soft-spoken matriarchs; their outward graces didn't tell of the influence their words had within the family. Nicole saw herself as a marked woman; something was in the way.

That something revealed itself the evening before they left. In Antonio's eyes, Anna's appearance at the front door was the start of a hurricane and Nicole stood at the epicentre; absorbing the initial shock. Anna took her place at the table with the satisfaction of unsettling Antonio. Only when Nicole sat next to him did the smirk disappear from her face.

"Nicole." Anna _un_greeted.

"Anna." Nicole said in a similar fashion. "Excuse me. Antonio?"

Antonio followed her into the guest bedroom. Nicole leaned by the door wile Antonio pulled the suitcase across the floor.

"I didn't expect her to be here." Antonio explained. "She's bitter and angry…"

"Antonio, fix it." Nicole said sharply. She couldn't articulate her anger, intimidation and fear without cursing, so she refrained.

"Listen, she has a huge chip on her shoulder and you're going to hear things you don't want to hear."

"Whatever she's here for, fix it." Antonio leant against her, she gently pushed him off of her.

"Are you with me?" Antonio asked.

"Of course I am."

Nicole barely ate, the tension was making her nauseous. Anna, in comparison, was on her third glass of wine in thirty minutes.

"Nicole, did you know that Anna is an attorney?" Dolores asked.

"Yes, we've met." Nicole replied politely.

"Nicole doesn't know about me as I know about her." Anna commented.

"Well, that was _Antonio's choice_." Nicole retorted.

"We all know about his choices." Anna mumbled.

"So Nicole, how is it working with Antonio?" Marisol asked, cooling the heat.

"Challenging but fun. I've got his back."

"And how is it working _out_ with Antonio, Nicole?" Anna's catty overtone was everything but discreet.

"It's working out really well, I find that love is a two-way street. The more you give, the more you get back."

"That's right." Ramon agreed.

"Here, here," Marisol cheered.

"For some. I found that love was a _three_-way street."

"That's enough Anna." Antonio said, out of frustration.

"Is it Antonio? Is it really?" Anna's digs were becoming more personal by the minute.

"Clearly you have problems; with Antonio, with me and with yourself. So for everyone's sake, let's take this outside." Nicole proposed.

"Nicole you can't." Antonio stated.

"I'm an attorney and there are witnesses." Anna warned.

"We won't fight." Nicole laughed at the misunderstanding that had everyone silent. In turn, nearly everyone berated a sigh of relief.

"How noble of you." Anna slurred after gulping down the remainder of her third glass of wine. She stood up and stared at Antonio's face. "I'm only going so I won't forget all the things I have to say to _you_."

"Excuse us." Antonio said to his family.

"We're sorry." Nicole apologised, closing the door behind her.

"Do you think she'll hit Tía Anna?" Estrella asked.

"Don't be silly." Her mother replied.

"You never know, Nicole _is_ in the FBI. She could probably take her." Ramón suggested.

Anna pulled a picture off the wall in the family room. "You see this? This was our wedding day. It was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives."

"It was. Supposed to be." Antonio said. "What do you want from me?"

"I want answers. Why did you marry me?"

"It was a good idea at the time." Antonio admitted. "And I didn't hear any objections on your part. You were too busy calling _Sociedad_ Magazine to come to our wedding."

"I thought it was perfect. But you were lying, you never loved me."

"I cared for you."

"You never _loved_ me. I was in love with you, you know. You were so romantic."

"I gave you everything."

"Every _thing_ not everything. I couldn't reach you, couldn't read you, looking into your eyes and there was nothing. Nothing but Nicole."

"Anna, stop blaming your communication issues on me." Nicole entered the drama se had been watching.

"I blame my divorce on you. How's that?" Anna's tongue was loosening as the wine took its effect.

"It's immature, unfounded and…"

"Proven. Prove it Antonio."

Nicole looked from Anna to Antonio and back again. "Prove what, Antonio?"

"Did he tell you about the night he left me? The night he brought you up just to throw you in my face. _Please_, Antonio." Anna baited him with her pleading. Nicole's expression demanded an explanation.

Anna and Antonio were getting ready to eat out as they did three nights a week, work permitting. The news was on and he was looking for his handcuffs.

"I don't see how you can lose handcuffs with crystals in them." Anna commented as she brushed her hair in the mirror. Antonio tuned her voice out by focusing on the bulletin.

"The courts have found Paul Barton guilty for the murder of his ex-wife Felisha Shepherds, 28. The single mother of two died from a concussion to the head which caused a seizure. Barton was sentenced to twenty years in maximum security wit chance of parole at ten years, however the deceased's children will move to Philadelphia to live with a close relative…"

Antonio stood motionless.

"…Neighbour and friend Elsa Finnick commented on the sentence. 'There's no sentence in the world that's long enough for him, or can save those girls from this hell. Felisha left him to escape the violence, for her and those precious girls. Why is a woman still not safe in her own home?'

He turned off the television and sat in silence. Elsa sounded like Nicole on one of her post-modern, neo-Black feminist rants; full of passion, purpose and anger.

"Did you hear me? I found them." Anna said, putting the handcuffs in his hand. "Let's go."

Antonio shook his head. "I can't."

"But we made reservations."

"Did you hear about Felisha Shepherds? " He asked.

"Yes, Carlton James was on that case. I'm sure he'll get a promotion."

"That's it? Nothing about Felisha or her kids or Barton?"

"No."

Antonio shook his head at her.

"What now?" She asked defensively.

"Being an attorney doesn't make you less human. Or does it?" His accusation was unclear to her.

"Look, it was a case, like many other cases. What do you want me to say?"

"Say something. Get angry. Talk about injustice."

"Like Nicole? Newsflash! I'm not her. You can't put her words in my mouth." Anna took her scarf from her shoulders and put it on the chair.

"Two years of marriage and she's still here isn't she?"

"I can't do this." Antonio admitted.

"Of course we're not going to dinner. People can't see us like this." Anna fussed, about the wrong thing.

"I mean this. I can't live like this. You're myopic, approval-driven and self-absorbed."

"Excuse me? You've cheated on me twice and _I_ have a problem? Wake up; I won't let you make a fool of me."

"Because that's important. What they see. For once I'd like to eat out somewhere where you don't make a reservation, where you can wear jeans and sneakers. Go out with our friends, people we know and like, instead of going from function to function; just to be seen."

"It's not what you know, it's who you know."

"Not here. You don't know me."

"Nicole does. Doesn't she? I bet she knows everything about you."

"She doesn't. But she wouldn't pretend for anyone else. She never pretends."

"You said I was perfect."

"You're driven, well-spoken, beautiful, well-raised, poised, shall I go on? You are perfect. For society. Not for me."

Antonio picked up his car keys and walked towards the door.

By this time Antonio was pouring himself a drink. Nicole took it from his hand.

"No, Antonio."

Anna was half-lying on the settee patting the picture on her hand. "If this picture could talk, would you apologise?"

"Yes. But not for your reasons." Antonio replied.

"Would you apologise Anna?" Nicole asked.

"I don't see how,"

"Would you?" Nicole repeated. "Because I would if I were you. You both used each other. Antonio used you for consolation and you used him to fulfil your yuppie fantasy. _I_ would apologise; because I left him jaded. I thought myself a parasite and didn't want to hurt him. Unfortunately I didn't tell him and he, in turn, hurt you. But no apologies necessary; we all know where we stand. Excuse me."

Antonio's family were standing by the door as she came out. "Don't worry. She's asleep on the couch." Nicole told them reassuringly.

"Welcome Nicole." Delores said, embracing her for the first time.

Nicole and Delores sat at the kitchen table, while Nicole tried unsuccessfully to eat.

"Do you love Antonio? Or do you want to toy with him for seven more years?"

"Of course I love him. Trust me, I have no time for games."

"What's wrong Nicole?" Delores asked.

"Nothing. Something happened a few days ago and I've had trouble eating since."

"I used fresh coriander in the chicken."

"I thought it was parsley."

"Exactly."

Delores took a silver box from a drawer and handed it to Nicole.

"Who's this handsome man?" Nicole asked, looking at the sepia pictures.

"Ernesto. This is Consuela."

"Antonio had beautiful parents. They must have been good people."

"They were. Consuela was a generous woman, she kept her sons on the right path after he died. Antonio is just like his father; dedicated."

"Is that me?" Nicole asked. Her twenty something self looked up at her. She had braids then. I hope that one day your children have pictures to be proud of – like these."

"I hope so too."

"So how far gone are you?" Delores asked abruptly.

Nicole laughed nervously. "I'm not expecting."

"Trouble eating, strong sense of smell and irritable; as Antonio told us. Classic symptoms."

"Wow. You think I'm pregnant? Wow."

Nicole kept the speculation to herself until she was 10000 feet airborne.

"What do you think of the family? You still want in?"

"They're crazy but love each other. And yes."

"Good. Mi abuela parece que eres franca, arrogante pero muy genuina."

Nicole flipped her hair. "I do try."

"What stopped you from killing Anna?"

"I never wanted to do that. I could, but there's no sport in it. Besides, I won."

"You won?"

"I love you more. Therefore I won." Nicole laughed at the pettiness of her theory. "Hey, do you think I'm pregnant? And don't respond with some ode to _the strength of your sperm_."

They burst out laughing at the distress of a passing air hostess.

"If you are I'll be happy," Antonio reasoned.

"Clever choice of words. I'm happy at the possibilities. All of them."


	14. Always & Forever

Nicole turned her attention from her suspected pregnancy to her work. She found solace in the mountain of documents she could lose herself in; they didn't talk back or ask questions she couldn't answer. She wasn't lying when she said she was happy at the possibility of being pregnant. It was the reality that she wasn't sure of. The sceptical voice in her head told her happy endings were only in fairy tales and she'd better wake up and end this farce. But that wasn't her heart speaking. A glimmer of hope has been ignited, a flickering flame of optimism that burned despite the cynic's efforts to thwart it. Needless to say, she was struggling to drown out both voices when she found a request on her desk. Jasmine wanted her to visit that afternoon and Pollock's attached note ordered her to go – wearing a wire. Great, she thought, just another manic Monday.

Her guilty steps lead her to the Juvenile Rehabilitation Centre on the Upper East Side. She had never seen Jasmine face to face however she recognised those haunting eyes from the picture in a heartbeat. Those eyes belonged to a lost girl who was crying out without tears. She realised that she couldn't see herself in Jasmine, just what could have been if _she_ had made those choices; this wasn't about who's right or who's wrong, it's the choices that make us who we are.

"No one understands that he was there for me. He listened to what I had to say. He cared about me." Jasmine spoke of Darnell in an idealistic tone, constructing an ideal instead of seeing the man for who he was. Nicole couldn't blame her; she used to do the same thing.

"People who care heal your pain; they don't pacify it." Nicole told her, reflecting.

"Isn't it the same thing? If they make you feel better then what's the crime?"

Nicole refused to justify her with a response. "Why'd you ask to see me?"

"I was curious. Didn't know if you'd come."

"Neither did I."

"And I've heard a lot about you."

"Mmm."

"And I thought you'd understand."

"I don't. The loneliness, attention-seeking, even the rebellion I understand. Because I've done it all. But not cocaine."

"You were addicted to Darnell." Jasmine's smart mouth was working Nicole's short fuse.

"I was addicted to _denial_ that I soothed with him and, came to learn that. One day you will"

"He loved me. What's the problem?"

"He abused you."

"No he didn't. Like I told my dad, we never had sex or anything."

Nicole found her gullibility to be astounding and it angered her; even though she had the makings of a victim, she didn't deserve to be made into one.

"He gained your trust, made you believe in him. In your mind, he cared for you and gave you what you wanted. That's not love. That's grooming."

"You're wrong. He loved me." Unfortunately, Jasmine believed her own words.

"No Jasmine, he was wrong. And he didn't love you."

"He told me he did."

"I bet he told you food was good too."

"The food _was_ good for me."

"The _food_ was a distraction. You know you're worth so…so much."

"Yeah right, I'm sixteen and I'm in rehab." Jasmine rebutted cynically. "My dad won't talk to me and you won't help me get out."

"You're in control now. You wanted _that_."

"Hell if I know what to do with it."

"You will. Our time's almost up."

"Okay. Why did you put me in here Nicole?"

If Jasmine didn't know by now then Nicole had no answer. "Take care Jasmine."

Jess and Antonio listened closely to the recording in Pollock's office.

"She's looking for someone to blame." Antonio stated.

"She's looking for comfort." Jess replied.

"The comfort in blaming another is as soft as cotton, Mastriani; the guilt of blaming one's self cuts like a knife." Pollock reasoned. "As there is nothing this tape will add to the overwhelming evidence we have discovered, I want it destroyed."

"Yes sir. Excuse me."

Jess' exit was followed by a melting of the machismo that these men prided themselves upon. A layer of the façade was stripped away.

"Domestic strife is the worst kind; as emotionally trying as a war is violent. My soldier is valiant but still…"

"Vulnerable, sir. I know that." Antonio said, wondering were this was going.

"She sees beyond the honour and the facts. She sees people. I think we could both learn something from that."

"Point noted." Antonio replied with an inner pride. "And yourself sir?"

"I'm back where I belong and life makes sense. For what it is."

Nicole knocked and entered. "Sir, about the wire…"

"Consider it non-existent." Pollock interrupted.

"I appreciate it."

"You're welcome. I mean, your resilience has been…commendable. Both of you. Now leave."

They took the long way home. The cold dark roads at night provided the privacy to talk. Just wide open spaces and honesty.

"Did you really think of yourself as a parasite back then?" Antonio asked, switching gears.

"Only to you. If I had thought I was good for you, I would have said yes. God knows I wanted to."

"Well, not that you were, but you have changed."

"Less baggage, more clarity, more room for the good stuff."

"And you're good with kids."

"You think so?"

"It's your voice and the way you treat them. I guess you love more. And I trust you in that way."

"If I'm pregnant, what happens?"

"We have a child. Everything else will work itself out."

"Can you pull over?" Nicole asked.

Antonio sat on the car bonnet with a blanket of stars overhead. Nicole stood facing him and held his hands.

"I haven't taken the test yet." She admitted.

"I know. Why not?"

"Because you deserve to know what really happened first time around. I've been keeping it from you for a long time."

Antonio tightened his grip on her hand. "Go on."

"A week before _the incident_ in Phoenix, Darnell found out about you and me."

"What?" Antonio exclaimed.

"Shhh." Nicole's hand was shaking.

"It's okay, you can tell me."

"He burst into my apartment and started yelling and throwing stuff around. He said that I'd betrayed him…and I'd better start making it up to him."

Antonio's hands were shaking now, his rage was accelerating and the urge to kill, mounting. In his eyes, it was his role to protect her and he had failed, past and present.

"He told me he'd kill you. If I didn't do it first. That's why I shot you; to protect you."

Nicole rubbed the back of his neck with her loose hand to comfort him, but for this much shock there was no comfort.

"At first I said I wouldn't do it because I loved you." Nicole's facial expression transformed from the joy of declaring love to solemnity of sacrificing for it. "And then; he smashed my head into a wall, kicked me across the floor…and made me. I only found out I was pregnant after you'd left."

Antonio let go of her hands and pulled her closer, he needed someone to hold on to. "Nicole, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want to believe that someone I used to trust and run away to when I was a scared seventeen-year-old; would rape me. I wanted to run away and hide like I always did; so I had an abortion, take that promotion and moved to Atlanta."

"Did you tell anyone?"

Nicole shook her head. "I buried it so deep inside me that no-one could get to it. Only you. Because I trust you with everything. Like I said; I didn't and I don't and I won't _ever_ want,"

"…a baby with anyone but me." Antonio finished her sentence with an awkward and bittersweet feeling. "I could have understood and stuck by you, if I had known."

"I believe that, but I won't let you bear that lot for the world. I have problems; memories that won't fade and scars that can't heal. And you can't fix that. And having a baby; that can't fix it either. It would be selfish to bring someone so innocent…I want to, I just can't. I just can't do it."

For seven years he had been trying to get closer to Nicole, trying to break through and crack the enigma codes. When in reality, she would always be the one thing he could never completely understand. The permanence of fact and truth gave him comfort; they never changed their meaning, eternally standing in place. Reliable if you will, for they helped you to understand. Somewhere inside was an inevitability that he would never understand her, not completely at least. Maybe that was because he didn't want to or she didn't want him to. Or because there were things about her she didn't even understand. Perhaps his analysis was the barrier; instead of trying to figure her out and predict her next move, he should just embrace it.

She was unravelling before his eyes and showing him the full extent of her love, one that was sacrificial, enduring and strong enough to match his. And at that point, for once, _knowing_ everything didn't matter anymore; her ability to open up and be vulnerable was more than enough.

"It's a lot to absorb, right? I've said too much." Nicole responded to his long silence with regret.

Antonio put his arm around her shoulder. "It's never too much. It's the hardest thing in the world; and you did it. It makes me want to try,"

"Anytime you're ready. I'll always be here."

"When you say that it's scares me. The _always_. Because there is no always."

"People can't defy time but they can command the time they have."

"That's profound. I mean, it never crossed my mind."

"Well I _am_ educated, don't be too shocked." Nicole laughed. "Look; for the time we have, I promise you forever. Don't count it, just count on it."

"And if there was an always; I'd promise you mine."

For a cold, hollow November night, he gave her the warmest kiss she had ever known. She could taste the remnants of it long after, as if his lips were still there. They lived there. That night they made love. In the passion and the beauty of their intimacy; his always married her forever. Protected consciously by latex yet subconsciously by the security that their unconventional love provided; beyond society's stipulations and sufficient for a life time. Though there was no baby; there was a new life waiting in the morning.


	15. Freefall

He watched her sleep wondering whether she knew that her confession had struck him inside. Just as it was for her, it was something he'd never get over. That was the point; you live to work through it; never accepting it as being right, but accepting that it happened. He wished for the power to erase it but even God can't change the past. As she peacefully lay still, his mind wondered back to the time when he left her. Giving her an ultimatum didn't sway her decision as he intended, it scared her back into isolation. It was then that he broke her heart and she broke his. The faith just wasn't there. The bittersweet pleasantries they left each other with; wishing each other well, were sincere yet difficult to muster. Neither wanted to walk away.

Retreating to memories of his wedding day and the regret that underpinned every vow, every gift and every picture of it. His greatest achievement was depicting a happiness that wasn't there on his part. Anna was right; he wasn't present. He questioned how present Nicole was; judging by last night; very. Her smile was brighter and her voice, warmer. Weighing up the balance between keeping her safe and happy, he opted for the latter; she was skilled at doing the former herself. He risked his life by waking her two hours early.

"You awake?" He asked, shaking her shoulders.

"I am now." She said between yawns. Her eye caught a glimpse of the time; she let her usual irritation slide and asked, "What's up?"

"About last night; thanks."

"I needed that, so thank you."

"I want you to feel safe here."

"I do, and I know how much it means to you to protect me."

"So why don't you let me?"

"Antonio, I need my strength. It makes me feel…less of a victim."

"When you pull away, you don't act like a victim."

"Yes I do; I hold on to the pain, run and hide. At least I used to. I'm not running."

"Nicole I just want to give you everything,"

"Give me you. I'm letting go, gradually, and that's because of you."

Nicole yawned again and went back to sleep. Antonio spent the following hour demolishing a punching bag to purge his anger.

Nicole missed work and met Jess at a coffee shop. Jess' discretion and solitude was reminding her too much of herself and she wanted to help her friend solve her problems, as she was learning to solve hers. Jess stirred her Macchiato awkwardly.

"You still love Colin, don't you?" Nicole asked between sips of her mocha latte.

Jess looked away. "I know you do Jess. And it's good."

"How? He'll be away for the next eight months at least." Jess reasoned, separating the facts from the emotions.

"Will you wait?" Nicole asked with curiosity of how sprung her girl really was.

"I don't know. I know it's crazy but…I want to."

"I knew it! And it's not crazy. I think it's beautiful. You shouldn't let _the_ _one_ go."

"What about you?" Jess enquired, wondering if her fish dreams were coming to fruition. "Missing work? And you look different. Spill."

"I'm mid air and I don't know the way down." Nicole's romantic hyperbole impressed Jess who understood the feeling.

"I'm craving something I can't touch. Nic, what if he's with someone else?"

"He'll forget about her when he knows. Don't give up on him yet."

Nicole treated herself to a shopping spree; buying dancing shoes and a style of dress she'd never worn in her life. She caught her smile in her reflection; a brilliant, joy-filled, carefree smile she couldn't control. That smile dissolved when she revisited her home. The beautiful two-storey apartment was given a cheaper version of the Left Eye treatment. She could tell by the burnt outer walls to her living home how lazily it had been set fire to. Some clown had thrown a brick through the glass door, followed by a Molotov bomb that couldn't explode effectively in such an airy, spacious room. Her Persian rug was now a crumbling dark brown mass when it used to be a red and gold, the leather sofa was torched in the fire and her matching electronic set had been soaked by the fire brigade. All in all, the damage wasn't that dire. She still loved the place and wanted to start her family there. Besides, it had more square feet than Antonio's and three bedrooms, just in case. She took the minidisc from her answering machine and played on the way to her mother's house. Kelly's anxiety blared though her speakers; eleven messages showing her concern, Nicole made a mental note to reassure her.

Nina opened the door, bemused that Nicole was there. She gave the impression it was a forbidden land she'd never enter. Nicole sat on the counter and watched her mother cook.

"So what's up? Usually you choose some nondescript place for us to meet, on neutral grounds. You're on my turf now." Nina jested, chopping dasheen leaf.

"You said I'm welcome anytime."

"That you are."

"Besides, I need some advice." Nicole said, to her mother's surprise.

"About Antonio, right?"

"Last night I told him something I never thought…"

"…you would. Or could. Or were going to if you had the chance."

"Exactly."

"Did he take it well?"

"He was very understanding,"

"I always liked him. He's a good one."

Nicole skinned the sweet potatoes and smiled. "I know Mom. But sometimes I feel I'm losing myself in him. And it scares me."

"Because you want to?"

"Yeah, it felt so free; like I can just _be_ when I'm with him. But it's not easy,"

"Because if you follow that feeling you might lose that thing that helped you survive."

"How'd you know so much about me?"

"It's amazing the things you learn at the hospital. And I listen. And I empathise. Pass me that coconut milk. If you let him in there's no safety blanket and if you don't, you can't move forward and enjoy all the things you both deserve."

"Right. I just don't know."

"Don't know, _feel_. If you find yourself crying for no damn reason, excited just looking at his face, and ready to try something new; then baby you know what you need to do. Love breeds hope in all things."

"Thanks Mom."

"What _are_ you going to do?"

"Ask myself that question until I get an answer." Nicole laughed to herself ands stirred the pot. "Why callaloo?"

"Excluding you, callaloo was the best thing your father ever made for me. You're half-Grenadian." Nicole stared at her in amazement. "I make it for the warm feeling it gives me inside. Times like this, I need that feeling."

Nicole hugged her goodbye. "Take care Mom."

"I love you baby."

"I love you too."

They met in the foyer of the Gil Blue soul food restaurant. The beautiful couple dazzling in their warm, understated surroundings. He was suited and booted and she was a movie star; the Kodak couple with the down to earth style.

"You look great; very sharp."

"That dress…you're beautiful." He stared in awe.

"It's backless too."

"I noticed. Any reason?"

"Well, this dress is pretty fabulous. No really; this morning I thought about how much power these scars had over me. The fear, the distrust of people, why I have them."

"It's not your fault."

"It's not fair on us for me to hold back Antonio. From you, from life, when we should have something."

"We could have everything."

"Yeah, last night I got so comfortable it scared me."

"Because there was nowhere to hide?"

"No, because I didn't want to. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was believe that someone wouldn't hurt me and then you go and make it easy. A bit…"

"Too easy?"

"But that's how it should be; innate. And I hope it's not too late for us because I'm changing."

"You know I've always wanted to spend my life with you; just like this, knowing you're here and you want to be. In love with me like I've always been in love with you. Always."

"Always." She promised.

"Are you ready to do that?"

"As I'll ever be."

"Good. And when the time comes; marry me Nicole."

"Is that a question or an order?"

"It's a request."

Nicole smiled at his clever rejoinder. "Of course I'll marry you. When the time comes."

Easy conversation over a thirty dollar dinner, passionate dancing at the sweaty, salsa club, deep conversation about love and life on the brink of sleep; these were what made the couple who they were. A head laid on a comforting shoulder, a shaking hand held in another, an admiring glance and an alluring touch were features of their own loving language. The language of coming full circle, inviting love to stay and enduring the unpredictable and turbulent times. They spoke the language those in love understand; and they were one.

**I love you guys!! Thanks again. I named it "Freefall" because if we're loved genuinely and unconditionally, we have to love and risk that safety in order reap the benefits and find out who we are. Peace.**


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